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Originally released in Japan on April 21, 1989, Nintendo’s Game Boy console has fueled development in handheld gaming throughout its many editions. The Onion looks back at big moments in the history of Game Boy on its 30-year anniversary.
ATLANTA—Responding to overwhelmingly harsh criticism of their decision to sign a contract worth close to a billion dollars with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, representatives of the Cinnabon corporation spoke out Wednesday to defend the practice of supplying the totalitarian monarchy with their iconic sweet and…
This Sunday, viewers flocked to the blockbuster season premiere of Game Of Thrones to see the fates of their favorite characters and who will finally take the Iron Throne. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Adding the big-name dinosaur to an already stacked lineup featuring stars like Nathan Drake and Ratchet, Sony scored a big win for the upcoming PlayStation 5 Wednesday by poaching Yoshi away from Nintendo with a record-breaking 10-year, $400-million contract. “This is a huge day for Sony. Yoshi is one of the…
PARIS—Saying the devastation could perhaps have been avoided with some routine upgrades to modern 200-amp service, investigators announced Wednesday they have traced the cause of the Notre Dame fire to the cathedral’s archaic electrical system, which dates back to the 12th century. “In our examination of the wreckage,…
DES MOINES, IA—Revealing that he taught himself the language after developing an interest in computer science and artificial intelligence, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg stunned a campaign crowd Wednesday by speaking to manufacturing robots in fluent binary. “01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000…
EL SEGUNDO, CA—As part of the company’s ongoing effort to provide consumers with meat substitutes indistinguishable from the real thing, officials at Beyond Meat announced Wednesday they had created a fully conscious, completely plant-based veal calf. “We’re proud to offer our customers a veal replacement made from…
LOS ANGELES—Chastising players for not sticking to their frowns during press conferences, head coach Steve Kerr reminded the Warriors Wednesday to seem sad about center DeMarcus Cousins’ season-ending quad injury. “Remember, guys, nobody likes to be excluded. It might be nice to have a little more spacing on the…
In a recent Wired article, Sony representatives revealed their next console will feature split-second loading times, backwards compatibility, and processing power enhanced by “ray tracing,” a technique that realistically models how light travels. What do you think?
COLUMBIA, SC—Observing that southbound motorists should begin to come across signs just after passing the rest area, sources reported Wednesday that there is an adult superstore off exit 16. “Yeah, so what you do is, you just hang a left at the end of that off-ramp and it’s pretty much across from the McDonald’s and…
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to satisfy calls for transparency while also keeping delicate information under wraps, Attorney General William Barr announced Thursday that he had released a catatonic Robert Mueller after excising all sensitive material from the special counsel’s brain. “With the cuts we’ve made to his…
Pete Buttigieg, the mayor of South Bend, IN who has experienced a rapid rise in prominence in recent months, announced his official entry to the 2020 race this weekend, portraying himself as a force of generational change despite criticisms of his youth and inexperience. What do you think?
BOSTON—Expressing deep disappointment as their beloved series begins to come to a long-awaited conclusion, crestfallen Game Of Thrones fans reported Monday their realization that the show is never going to show dragons fucking. “I’ve put hundreds of hours of my life into this series, and now it seems it’s all been a…
WASHINGTON—In a scathing attack on the very foundations of democracy and everything the United States stands for, Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) disrespectfully referred Monday to America, the land of the free and the home of the brave, as “a place.” “It’s unconscionable to think that this so-called American would use a vile…
HINSDALE, IL—Moments after wrestling the Switch controller from Dylan Wheeler’s hands and pushing the child towards the door of the intensive care unit, Wheeler’s parents mollified the 9-year-old Monday by promising him that he could go right back to playing video games once he had given his dying grandfather one last…
President Trump revealed his administration is “giving strong considerations” to a plan to release migrants into so-called sanctuary cities. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Honoring the publication for its high standard of journalistic excellence, the Pulitzer Prize Board announced Monday that Us Weekly had received its highest award for outstanding achievement in the photoshopping of a rip between a divorced celebrity couple. “Since its inception in 1977, Us Weekly has been a…
PARIS—Responding just minutes after the 12th-century Catholic monument caught fire, Jesus Christ, The King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was reportedly pushing past Parisian firefighters Monday to run into a burning Notre Dame de Paris and save a beloved relic. “My crown! My crown! Get out of my way—my Crown of Thorns…
Ending an 11-year-long championship drought, Tiger Woods won his fifth Masters title this past weekend in an emotional comeback after years of personal hardship and injury. What do you think?
Released late last month to critical acclaim, Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice has challegened new and hardcore players alike with its punishing difficulty. Here are The Onion’s tips for surviving in the action-adventure game.
SILVER SPRING, MD—Revealing that the nationwide trend has shown no signs of stopping, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Tuesday that soaring gas prices were steadily forcing more and more Americans to decrease their daily gas intake. “Sadly, what used to be an inexpensive alternative to juice and soda is…
NEW YORK—Tantalizing fans with glimpses of Dothraki and Northmen joining together to can-can across Westeros, a new trailer for the final Game Of Thrones season provided a sneak peek Friday at the show’s climactic 25-minute all-cast dance number. “This, obviously, is what the series has been building toward since…
The Last Of Us 2, the highly-anticipated sequel to the original blockbuster survival game, will be released this year, according to a new online store update from Sony. What do you think?
LOS ANGELES—Calling its musical cue of “Paramount trumpet theme” a perfect choice, Paramount Pictures executive Michael Ryan quickly snapped up a script Friday that began with a series of animated stars swooping through the clouds before joining the studio’s logo and fading into an establishing shot of an actual…
HOUSTON—Hoping to communicate the numerous health risks that can stem from obesity, local doctor Peter Gerheart took time during an annual checkup to gently inform patient Brianna Torres that he is overweight, sources reported Friday. “This is never an easy thing to tell a patient, but I think it’s important to be…
SOUTHAMPTON, PA—Insisting that it was just their nana’s “special way” of saying goodbye, mourners confirmed Friday that the Shreve family had respected their grandmother’s wishes to have an opened-bloused funeral. “I know it makes some people a little uncomfortable to see her lying there, shirt open and tits out, but…
Democratic Rep. Richard Neal (D-MA) formally requested six years of Trump’s personal tax returns, citing the need to conduct oversight of the IRS, including its policy of auditing the tax returns of sitting presidents. What do you think?
SAN JOSE, CA—Left aghast at a segment depicting the cruel realities of life in the Arctic wilderness, viewers of the new Netflix docuseries Our Planet were reportedly shocked Friday to witness narrator David Attenborough step into the frame to break the neck of a starving polar bear. “The scene was about a mama polar…
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Crediting his players for being wise enough to do what’s best for their health, Michigan State head coach Tom Izzo told reporters Saturday that this Spartans team was the best he’s ever threatened with violence. “In my 20-plus years at East Lansing, I’ve had the privilege of threatening to pummel some…
DULUTH, MN—Remarking on their relative’s unusually eventful romantic life, nephews and nieces of Janine Harrison, 48, confirmed Monday that their aunt managed to somehow both marry and divorce two separate times since the last time they had seen her. “I don’t think it’s been that long—five years at the outside—but it…
President Trump told confidantes that he hopes to place Herman Cain on the Federal Reserve Board, elevating the failed 2012 GOP hopeful and former Godfather’s Pizza CEO to the Fed, but will wait until his background check is completed. What do you think?
LOS ANGELES—Confirming the widely held theory that, hoo boy, that dame sure is somethin’, a study released Monday by researchers at UCLA found that they just don’t make ‘em like Ginger Rogers anymore. “After an exhaustive five-year survey of thousands of little numbers who may be real firecrackers but ain’t even a…
IDLIB, SYRIA—Explaining that they hoped the personnel changes would enable the organization to avoid the State Department’s scrutiny, ISIS leaders announced Monday that they had added a few violent white supremacists to the group in a bid to get the U.S. to rescind its designation of ISIS as terrorists. “Being branded…
The Food and Drug Administration has made a special announcement noting dozens of e-cigarette users having seizures connected to their use of the devices. What do you think?”
MIAMI—Boasting an array of excellent programs from drama and sports to news and talk that other companies can only dream of, media giant Telemundo continued their winning streak Monday with its incomparable lineup of high-quality scripted shows and award-winning journalism. “With its soaring ratings, commitment to…
WASHINGTON—Reminding herself that “old habits die hard” before letting the 6-year-old out of her trunk, Kirstjen Nielsen admitted Monday that she momentarily forgot she was a private citizen after instinctively detaining a Mexican child on the street. “Oh, Kirstjen, you silly goose—you don’t have the authority to ask…
WASHINGTON—Following the announcement that Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen was leaving her post, President Trump told reporters Monday he would conduct an extensive search to find a replacement with the right personality disorders necessary for the role. “Though I admired Kirstjen’s ability to remain cold…
HAVERFORD, PA—Expressing concerns about her odd behavior over the past few weeks, coworkers of Sheila Gottman confirmed Wednesday that the “total weirdo” was leading their office’s NCAA bracket pool after picking teams she analyzed and predicted would beat the others. “What kind of freak actually reads expert analysis…
CRYSTAL RIVER, FL—Claiming he found the turn to be well banked and cambered with perfect sightlines, motorist Calvin Henry declared Wednesday that a bend along Florida State Road 44 was definitely not sharp enough to warrant the dozen or so roadside memorials along its outside shoulder. “I mean, this is a pretty soft…
WASHINGTON—Insisting that they had taken every measure to keep the message “extra top secret,” the Trump boys reportedly spent Wednesday defending their decision to send Saudi Arabia plans for a cool missile using their personal Etch A Sketch. “We spent, like, a million hours making that rocket look super good, so we…
Many cities, venues, and scholastic institutions have banned bottled water following campaigns by environmental groups, but critics warn such bans can have harmful unintended effects. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of banning bottled water.
CHESTERBROOK, PA—Regaling a group of prospective soldiers with tales from his youth, military recruiter Luke Coleman fondly recalled Wednesday when he was just a naïve kid being coaxed into making a binding eight-year commitment to the Army in order to fulfill a recruitment quota. “Man, I remember back when I was your…
CARY, NC—Competing to secure the new pet’s allegiance, members of the Thomas family were reportedly locked in a heated bidding war Thursday as each tried to convince their cat, Cookie, to sleep in their bed. “So far, I’ve provided the most perks—sneaking him extra scoops of food, offering him handfuls of catnip, and…
I know at times I can come off a bit caustic and abrasive. For years, I had no idea where these destructive feelings and behaviors came from, but as I get older, I’m starting to realize it all stems from my youth. You see, when I was growing up, still an innocent and impressible bottle of laundry detergent, my dad…
HEAVEN—Speaking with obvious nostalgia regarding the “raw and gritty” quality of his experiences in decades past, God the Almighty Creator confirmed Thursday that Heaven was “way cooler” in the 1970s. “Sure, there was a lot of more crime and corruption, but man, Heaven in those days felt way more authentic,” said the…
SOUTH BEND, IN—Stumbling through the restaurant and gaming establishment in a dazed and incoherent stupor, local man Rob Woodham, 31, reportedly slipped into a ghastly, blinding fog of insanity Thursday just before he was asked if this was his first time at a Dave & Buster’s location. “Can I get you a menu?” said a…
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Warning that nothing was more dangerous than focusing on yesterday’s mistakes instead of being present right here and right now, self-actualized historians at Harvard University urged Americans not to get all hung up on the past. “Now more than ever, we must remember: A society that dwells on what it did…
PINEVILLE, LA—Citing concerns over historically high seasonal traffic and the resulting potential flight delays, a Canada goose was thinking of migrating home two to three weeks early in order to avoid the crowds, avian sources confirmed Friday. “My friends think I’m a bit neurotic, but I just want a quiet,…
March 31, 1999 saw the release of The Matrix, the sci-fi action film directed by the Wachowskis that went on to massive financial and critical success, spawning sequels and a host of other related media. The Onion looks back at big moments in the franchise on its 20-year anniversary.
NAPA, CA—After being lovingly tended by generations of bin Ladens, the once-gorgeous Northern California vineyard upon which the late al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden’s family winery sits is now crumbling and covered with weeds, sources confirmed Friday. “Bin Laden Manor produced some of the finest wines Napa Valley…
SAN FRANCISCO—In a shocking discovery certain to complicate the legacy of a national icon, the estate of Walt Disney announced Friday it had discovered a cache of anti-American cartoons the pioneering animator intended to release if the Axis Powers had triumphed in World War II.
NAIROBI, KENYA—Warning that a complete overhaul of their skill set was necessary to survive in the 21st century, environmentalists announced a new conservation program Friday to help struggling rhinos adapt to the modern ecosystem by retraining them as urban scavengers. “Many of these animals simply aren’t equipped to…
In a move that has split members between traditionalist and progressive factions, the United Methodist Church worldwide conference voted this week to ban gay and lesbian clerics and the officiating of same-sex marriages, saying such inclusions defy the word of God. What do you think?
SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Terrified that their greatest fear has become a disgusting reality, new parents Melanie and Abe Bloom confirmed Monday that their newborn son Levi is, in fact, the type of baby who shits. “We had hoped that Levi would have a recessive shitting gene, and when that turned out not to be the case, we…
HAVERHILL, MA—Expressing happiness that their matriarch had finally “gotten into the swing of things,” the family of grandmother Ellen Haan confirmed Monday that the 87-year-old had really started to get the hang of dying in recent weeks. “Nana’s just recently come to grips with this whole diminishing-into-nothingness…
NEW YORK—Decrying the label as “shamelessly sexist,” media watchdog Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting issued a statement Monday condemning the American press for only referring to Alabama-born jihadist Hoda Muthana as “bride of ISIS soldier.” “Ms. Muthana is an accomplished ISIS member in her own right, having joined…
Many 2020 Democratic frontrunners—including Cory Booker, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, and Kamala Harris—have supported the Marijuana Justice Act, which seeks to make pot legal at the federal level, signaling a strong majority among Democrats for decriminalizing the substance. What do you think?
THE HEAVENS—Attempting to do His part in holding abusers accountable amid the rise of the #MeToo movement, God, our heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He would supervise the purging of millions of souls from Heaven now that sexual assault was being taken far more seriously. “I had definitely heard many rumors,…
U.S. wealth inequality is at its worst point since the 1920s, a new study found, although some experts suggest this change is largely temporary and dependent on a current stock market bubble. What do you think?
BLUE BELL, PA—Saying it would be nice for her cat Joplin to have some company during the day, realtor Christie Marie Wolfe, 34, adopted a second cat Tuesday for Joplin to terrorize while she is at work. “I hate to leave the poor guy alone all day, so I figured it’d be nice for him to have a companion cat to stalk…
SARASOTA, FL—Nervously watching as the suspicious man cheered on the team, the Baltimore Orioles told reporters Tuesday that they were creeped out by a fan who actually followed the ballclub to spring training. “This weirdo in an Orioles jacket has been hanging out around the facilities all week. Did this guy…
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Realizing that the black-and-white family photo on his bedside table seems like a scene from someone else’s life, puzzled divorcé David Reed admitted Tuesday that he didn’t even recognize the smiling, happy people in the picture that came with the frame. “My God, it’s like I don’t even know who these…
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to create the illusion that the horrific decapitation was deliberate, Game Of Thrones producers were frantically re-shooting the series finale Tuesday to make Peter Dinklage’s death seem intentional. “Christ, okay, shit, maybe we can get some B-roll footage to establish a visual explanation…
DENVER—Kicking off his campaign with a promise to order the U.S. military to wipe the sovereign nation off the face of the Earth, presidential candidate John Hickenlooper announced Tuesday his support for using nuclear weapons against Australia just to see if anyone was listening to him. “That’s right—did you hear…
LOS ANGELES—Arguing that the streaming service has severely hamstrung the ability of directors to create saccharine, artistically meritless garbage, Steven Spielberg criticized Netflix Tuesday for ruining the golden age of pandering big-budget films produced by media conglomerates. “We were living in a wonderful era…
Sony officially announced that it was ending production of the PlayStation Vita, although games are still under production for the 8-year-old handheld console. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—In response to President Donald Trump’s continued attacks against the legitimacy of his probe into 2016 election interference, Special Counsel Robert Mueller admitted Thursday that a smarter president would have totally found a way to stop the investigation by now. “Listen, my investigation has been going…
OKLAHOMA CITY—Expressing outrage at the obnoxious programming he’d be forced to sit through for the next several hours, local dog Tuffy reportedly couldn’t believe his owner had left the television tuned to fucking MSNBC Thursday to keep him company while she was working. “Jesus Christ, how does she expect me to watch…
VATICAN CITY—In a gesture of goodwill intended to show the Papacy’s support for victims, Pope Francis announced Thursday that children who have been sexually abused by Catholic clergy would receive 10 percent off at the Vatican City gift shop. “While we will never be able to completely undo the damage that was done,…
IRVINE, CA—Realizing his entire presentation deck consisted of little more than the proposed tagline “Twice The Crunch And Twice The Munch,” perspiring CornNuts vice president of marketing Jim Ralston was observed Thursday stammering his way through a pitch for a potential new Taco Bell menu item he termed the…
LEANDER, TX—Following delivery of the sealed, handwritten letters to every member of the cast, it reportedly remained unclear Thursday why stagehand Kirk Weiland had composed heartfelt little notes to all the actors who appeared in the Leander Playhouse’s staging of The Sound Of Music. “I think I was introduced to him…
ATLANTA—Calling it “a perfect feminine explosive” for any silhouette, Spanx officials announced Friday that the company had launched a new line of smoke bombs for concealing unwanted bumps and bulges. “Whether you’re going out for a night on the town or just getting dressed up for a casual dinner, these new flash…
The Justice Department is preparing for Robert Mueller to conclude and submit a report of his two-year probe of Russian meddling in the 2016 election as early as next week. What do you think?
PHOENIX—Finally closing a sordid chapter in team history, representatives for the Arizona Diamondbacks announced Friday that the franchise had settled a civil lawsuit with the offspring of a mourning dove who died after being hit by a Randy Johnson fastball during a 2001 spring training game. “We know this was an…
NEW YORK—Attributing the gains this morning to them being “just kinda in the mood,” top Wall Street investors confirmed the U.S. stock market soared in early trading Friday after they decided it would be a fun thing to make happen. “Often, you’ll see the S&P 500 rise because of a jobs report or international trade…
WASHINGTON—Saying it was the only way to really know whether he could trust his new attorney general, President Trump loaded a single bullet into a .357 Magnum revolver and demanded William Barr prove his loyalty by putting the barrel in his mouth and pulling the trigger, White House sources confirmed Friday. “If…
SUMTER, SC—Wavering over which of the two activities would be most fulfilling to pursue, local teen Ethan Horne told reporters Friday that he was on the verge of either joining ISIS or getting super into rollerblading. “I’ve been desperately searching for some meaning in my life, and it’s really beginning to look like…
CHICAGO—Easily spotting what they described as a textbook example of a fabricated crime, members of the Chicago Police Department on Friday credited their own extensive experience falsifying evidence with helping them solve the case of actor Jussie Smollett’s staged attack. “We’ve been doing this sort of thing for…
Sony Interactive boss Shawn Layden predicted a future in which all consoles are united as one, saying that the Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4, and Xbox One all offer “great experiences.” What do you think?
LAWRENCE, KS—Saying they hoped their fresh analysis of fossil evidence would help shed new light on the long-extinct theropod, 50-foot-tall paleontologists from the University of Kansas announced Friday that Tyrannosaurus rex might have been smaller than previously thought. “For decades, scientists have held that T.…
Gathering bishops from across the globe, Pope Francis has communed a summit to address the protection of minors in the Church from the scourge of clerical sexual abuse. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Noting that his four years at Fordham University hadn’t even led to a 3,000-square-foot penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side yet, local 24-year-old Alex Michaelson, who still hasn’t achieved his dream life, told reporters Tuesday he regrets wasting money on a college education. “What’s the point of…
WASHINGTON—Saying he reached the decision in order to protect everything the civil rights icon represented, Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) confirmed Tuesday that his 1983 vote against making Martin Luther King Jr. Day a national holiday was cast after anticipating that the country would sanitize and dishonor the leader’s…
WASHINGTON—On the heels of yesterday’s announcement that she would be running for president, Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA) reportedly began staffing her campaign Tuesday with unpaid inmates from California correctional facilities. “I’m so grateful to have such an incredible and devoted team headed up by my new campaign…
WASHINGTON—Depicting a standoff between Catholic high school students, a group of Black Hebrew Israelites, and a Native American elder, a viral video from the March for Life last Friday has sparked a national debate over the ethics of drumming in public. “Those on one side of the argument say there is inherent value…
LAUREL, MD—Telling himself the wisest course of action was to avoid all eye contact and let the chips fall where they may, weird kid Jason Butler opted Tuesday to sit perfectly still and let the universe determine his destiny after his chemistry teacher instructed students to select a partner for their next…
Kamala Harris, the California senator and former attorney general, announced plans for a 2020 run, emphasizing justice and equality as she entered the Democratic presidential field. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—In an effort to walk back contradictory and potentially incriminating remarks from a recent interview, Rudy Giuliani, personal attorney to President Donald Trump, requested Tuesday that the press “just forget everything and let’s start everything over.” “Let’s just call everything before this moment a…
BROOKLYN, NY—Shocked, disillusioned, and even somewhat betrayed by the unlikely pairing, fans of best-selling author and decluttering guru Marie Kondo were reacting with general disapproval Friday at the news that the organizing consultant has been dating an untidy kitchen cupboard since July of last year. “I can’t…
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Maintaining that he is always the one wiping ectoplasm off the zero-gravity toilet at the end of the week, Expedition 57 astronaut Alexander Gerst confirmed Friday that he has grown sick of sharing the confines of the International Space Station with his “crass, thoughtless, insensitive, and…
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ease the transition of vulnerable young refugees into an unfamiliar new home, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced a new campaign Friday which aims to reunite immigrant children with their original arresting officer. “We intend to extend every effort to find the ICE officer…
KANSAS CITY, MO—In an effort to gain a competitive advantage against a formidable opponent, the New England Patriots scored two touchdowns against the Chiefs Friday in a preemptive strike before Sunday’s AFC Championship Game. “We knew we had to do something to catch them off guard, so we ran a no-huddle offense…
Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen revealed that he paid $13,000 at the direction of Trump to rig several 2016 polls in the then-presidential candidate’s favor. What do you think?
The polar vortex—the swirling winds above the arctic—has fractured into three rings that will spread freezing temperatures through the eastern U.S. in late January. What do you think?
ORLANDO, FL—Expressing concerns that their home was starting to lose its distinctive character, Orlando locals were reportedly worried Monday that their beloved town was becoming completely overrun by vacationers. “Don’t get me wrong: Tourism dollars have helped the local economy, but the downside is that we have…
PHILADELPHIA—Entering her examination room to find a woman describing in detail how she had once spent several hours coughing up blood, general practitioner Anika Korman described her state of mind as “completely weirded out” Monday when patient Catherine Moritz evidently decided to provide every lurid detail of her…
Today, Americans will celebrate Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday to commemorate his life and historic contributions to the Civil Rights Movement. What do you think?
LONDON—Demonstrating in no uncertain terms that any peasant who sought to shirk his or her duty would be summarily dealt with, Queen Elizabeth looked on dispassionately Friday as a team of four oxen, yoked in pairs, were strapped to the outstretched limbs of a farmer who had failed to provide the Crown with his yearly…
CHICAGO—Lamenting that his glory days of college cafeterias, burger joints, and taco trucks are now shrinking in life’s rear-view mirror, sales associate Alan Thompson, 29, was reportedly beginning to worry Monday that his best meals might already be behind him. “When I think about all my entrées to come, I can’t help…
SEATTLE—Calling it the most debauched correspondence that had ever been submitted to “Savage Love,” advice columnist Dan Savage was disgusted Monday by a letter from a perverted reader contemplating oral sex. “Over the course of my 20-plus years writing this column, I’ve helped people with some pretty heinous…
As the government shutdown extends to the longest in history, a new NPR/PBS/Marist poll found Trump’s approval down to 39 percent, a seven-point net change in the past month. What do you think?
In a year where cruelty, deception, and unfettered corruption controlled all three branches of the U.S. government, The Onion’s flawless reportage and above-reproach journalism in 2018 exposed the dark underbelly of society and provided a beacon of hope that human civilization would finally and mercifully come to an…
IRVING, TX—Calling the feminine hygiene product the perfect way to usher in 2019 with comfort and style, Kotex introduced their new line of Confetti Popper Tampons Friday to help ring in the new year. “When the clock strikes midnight, simply pull the string on one of our sleek, slim Confetti Popper tampons to join the…
Each year, Americans celebrate New Year’s Eve by resolving to change some aspect of their lives. What is your New Year’s resolution?
WASHINGTON—Noting the robust financial backdrop and expectations for sustained growth, the Federal Reserve released a report Thursday citing the healthy economy in its decision to have a baby. “After lengthy discussions to address lingering concerns among board members about trends in the broader macroeconomy, I’m…
NEW YORK—Growing visibly emotional as he expressed gratitude to legislators for their boldness and compassion, Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán reunited with his family Thursday following the passage of the First Act criminal justice reform bill. “It’s been a long road to release, but I’m ready to put my…
BOSTON—In an effort to educate Americans on the common warning signs, mental health experts at Boston University issued a report Thursday noting that friends giving away their possessions was often a red flag that they’re planning on moving. “If you have a friend who has attempted to pass off objects like a bulky…
The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame will induct a 2019 class including Radiohead, Janet Jackson, Stevie Nicks, The Cure, The Zombies, and several others. What do you think?
In a finding that crossed racial, educational, and demographic lines, a new NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found most Americans are against the country becoming more politically correct, including a majority of independent voters. What do you think?
FRAMINGHAM, MA—Calling the product the must-have item for true music connoisseurs, Bose officials announced Friday the release of the new W85 headphones that are specifically optimized for listening to Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know.” “We’re proud to introduce the W85 as the next generation in Whitney…
CHICAGO—Staring wide-eyed at the table full of unopened presents being largely ignored by guests, local man Rick Joseph reportedly watched helplessly Friday as the White Elephant exchange completely devolved into friends just chatting and having a nice time. “Christ, it should have been my turn to pick a gift over an…
WASHINGTON—Desperate to unwind after months of nonstop work investigating Russian influence in the 2016 election, visibly exhausted Special Counsel Robert Mueller powered his phone down Friday in order to give himself a break from any news concerning the probe over the holiday break. “The last thing I want when I’m…
While New Year’s resolutions are popular, studies show that the majority of them are never achieved, making whether to tie personal goals to the beginning of a new year a matter of debate. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of making New Year’s resolutions.
WASHINGTON—Pacing frantically back and forth, wiping flecks of gore from their faces, and muttering that they could get everything under control if they just had more time, the panicked and blood-drenched citizens of the United States barked at everyone in their immediate vicinity Friday, demanding just one goddamn…
Apple plans to employ 5,000 new workers at a new campus one miles from downtown Austin, TX, which will eventually have room to accommodate up to 15,000 workers. What do you think? 
LONDON—Noting that making a difference would cost less than a single cup of coffee, the Against Malaria Foundation released an advertising campaign Friday stressing that even one dollar could help a needy child, but you’d have to be a complete fucking dick to give that little. “For just one dollar out of your…
CHARLOTTE, NC—Categorically denying allegations that the tactic was unconstitutional and unfairly targeted players who protested the national anthem, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement Sunday defending the NFL’s right to subject Panthers safety Eric Reid to random stop-and-frisk searches. “We’re…
DALLAS—Grimacing and clutching at his shoulder, Fox NFL announcer Joe Buck tore his rotator cuff after an awkward throw down to the sideline during the second quarter of the Buccaneers vs. Cowboys game. “You hate to see an announcer go down like that. Especially on such a routine throw down to Erin to check the field…
MADISON, WI—Struggling to explain her positive emotional state, area woman Erin Kinney reportedly spent Monday wondering why she was suddenly happy despite not having purchased anything recently. “Huh, that’s weird. Why do I feel so content right now? I don’t think I splurged on anything today, but maybe I just…
Sesame Street street puppet Lily, a 7-year-old bright pink Muppet, will become the show’s first character to experience homelessness, with the show’s producers hoping this addition will create empathy and a sense of understanding on the issue among children. What do you think?
GENEVA, IL—Admitting that he thought he would have moved on by now, 28-year-old marketing analyst Garrett Moore reportedly grew wistful and teary-eyed Monday while revealing that everything still reminded him of Her. “Even the breeze in the park reminds of the cool rush of air conditioning I felt in the theater that…
WASHINGTON—Decrying the Senate’s resolution blaming the crown prince for the brutal torture and murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi as “a cruel, inhumane, and unprecedented interference into a sovereign kingdom’s internal affairs,” the Trump administration launched a human rights investigation Monday into the…
WASHINGTON—Attempting to make amends for gross abuses of power during his time as Interior Department Secretary, an unusually contrite Ryan Zinke apologized Monday for misusing government funds by sending the members of the ethics committee a $160,000 vase. “I know this doesn’t change anything about how I exploited my…
In a deal with federal prosecutors, Maria Butina pleaded guilty to conspiring to act as a foreign agent as part of a broader effort to incline notable members of the NRA and other conservatives towards Russia. What do you think?
ARLINGTON, VA—In recognition of the brave and altruistic Americans who risk their health and safety for the greater good, Pentagon officials announced Thursday that the U.S. military would honor the sacrifices of NFL players by wearing their jerseys throughout December. “Every week, these men are out there on the…
PUTNEY, VT—Claiming past experiences taught him to be prepared for sudden displays of vitality, mortician Radiston Nikolov, 38, told reporters Thursday that he always keeps a hammer beside his mortuary table in case one of his embalming subjects comes back to life. “I just like knowing this baby’s within reach in the…
LONDON—Following wide-ranging criticism of the embattled prime minister’s handling of Brexit negotiations, Theresa May narrowly managed to survive execution by the parliamentary firing squad, sources confirmed Thursday. “After several months of coming under constant attack, this firing squad was merely the latest…
WASHINGTON—Celebrating and commemorating the myriad contributions of previously overlooked heroes, the Smithsonian American History Museum unveiled a new exhibit Thursday honoring the thousands of U.S. pets who devoted their time and talents to the war effort while their owners fought overseas in World War II. “Before…
CLEVELAND, OH—Expressing regret after being misled by the ruthless stunt, the Rock & Rock Hall of Fame rescinded the nomination they offered to The Cure Thursday after discovering the band was voted in as a cruel prank by popular kids. “We will no longer be inducting The Cure to the Hall after learning they were…
WASHINGTON—Saying that enough time had passed for them to be willing to try again, the U.S. populace announced Thursday that they were finally prepared to look at more sidewalk drawings that look like big holes but are actually just flat. “The moment is at hand when we feel mentally and emotionally prepared to view…
NEW YORK—Turning to the public in their search for possible leads, CNN set up a 24-hour anonymous tip line Thursday in hopes of contacting those with possible alternatives to the network’s commonly used phrase “Mueller closing in.” “We’re looking for anyone from individuals placed deep inside the Trump administration…
Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s ex-lawyer and fixer, was given three years in prison for nine federal charges of tax evasion, violating campaign finance laws, and lying to banks and to Congress. What do you think?
In a win for Planned Parenthood, the Supreme Court opted to avoid a high-profile case concerning whether to allow Kansas and Louisiana to strip Medicaid money from Planned Parenthood. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the practice was neither sterile nor sanitary, American Red Cross officials issued a reminder Friday that they cannot accept donations from people who approach them with loose blood cupped in their hands. “While we certainly appreciate the act of generosity, we must discourage any potential…
Violence and crime have been part of American history since the earliest explorers arrived on the continent and killed whoever they found before stealing their land. The Onion looks back at the most notorious criminals in the country’s history.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the skyrocketing mole populations, officials at the U.S. Department of the Interior introduced a new federal program Friday that would release thousands of mallets into national parks. “Introducing mallets into our parks and forest preserves is one of the easiest and most effective ways…
As winter temperatures arrive and the end of the year approaches, I find myself in a place of deep reflection. Looking back on all the things I have and haven’t accomplished these past 12 months, I feel good about the progress I’ve made toward many of my personal goals. But there’s one particular thing I never quite…
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Citing the gesture as a “best practice shared across the nation’s highest-morale offices,” researchers at the Harvard Business School published a report Friday identifying a correlation between workplaces with the highest employee retention rate and those where management distributed an end-of-year note…
James Alex Fields Jr. was given a recommended sentence of life plus 419 years in prison for killing Heather Heyer and seriously injuring 35 others. What do you think?
CHICAGO—Stressing that a posthumous release was still better than no release at all, Game Of Thrones fans nationwide confessed Monday that they were now just hoping George R.R. Martin dies soon so his estate could publish whatever he’s already written. “Listen, he’s gotta have at least two-thirds of The Winds Of Winter…
BURBANK, CA—Emphasizing that losing even just a few comic book fans would be a “fate worse than death,” Disney CEO Bob Iger admitted Monday that he and all his employees spend every waking moment consumed by the fear that you will one day turn on superhero movies. “Working at Disney? It’s hell. Because I know that one…
NEW YORK—A report published Monday by researchers at the Journal Of Public Health Management And Practice revealed those sensors that flush public toilets were also cameras this whole time. “After decades of relying on the devices for automated flushing, it appears those red blinking sensors in toilet stalls have also…
WASHINGTON—Calling the decision necessary to protect the one relationship he values above all others, White House chief of staff John Kelly told reporters Monday that he will resign in a last-ditch effort to save his and President Trump’s friendship. “It’s been a great honor to serve my country and the Trump…
WASHINGTON—As the Trump administration scrambles to find a replacement for outgoing advisor John Kelly, officials announced Monday that a high-level White House ficus would leave for the State Arboretum of Virginia after declining the president’s offer to be chief of staff. “The ficus has been honored to serve…
LAS VEGAS—In an effort to generate more enthusiasm among owners and general managers for the sparsely attended event, Major League Baseball introduced announced a new “Star Wars Night” Monday to boost attendance at this year’s winter meetings. “In the past, we’ve had problems drawing a full crowd to these meetings, so…
LOS ANGELES—Saying that the reduction in her daily caffeine intake had markedly improved her overall mood and outlook, sales associate Sherri Packer, 32, said Monday that she has made notable progress weaning herself off coffee by switching to Long Island iced tea. “I didn’t realize how dependent on my Starbucks I had…
Speaking Friday, President Trump confirmed John Kelly will be leaving as chief of staff by the end of the year after 18 months defined by an attempt at instilling discipline on an often chaotic administration. What do you think?
Sentencing filings by the Southern District of New York reveal that Trump personally directed illegal hush money payments in 2016 to women with whom he allegedly had affairs in violation of campaign finance laws. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Threatening to use her absolute power to run over anyone who dares stand in her way, authoritarian Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao declared Tuesday that she has the ultimate right of way in every traffic scenario. “Whether I am a pedestrian, a driver, or a cyclist—from today onward, all 325 million…
NORTHBROOK, IL—Describing their new pasta as the perfect quick meal for busy weeknights, Italian food brand Bertolli claimed Tuesday that its new ravioli delivers perfectly empty al dente pasta casings floating in filling-saturated water in a mere five minutes. “Simply bring four cups of salted water to a boil,…
COOKEVILLE, TN—Saying he has been unable to readjust to civilian life since returning home from his deployment to the border with Mexico, U.S. soldier Matthew Coltrane told reporters Tuesday he continues to have nightmares in which he is being used as a mere political prop. “In the middle of the night, I’ll wake up in…
The Illinois Capitol rotunda will display a statue from The Satanic Temple-Chicago featuring a snake wrapping around Eve’s hand as a testament to freedom of religion and the group’s view of Satan as a wisdom-bestowing hero. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the…
WASHINGTON—In a stirring defense of his administration’s commitment toward border security, President Trump claimed Tuesday that substantial portions of the laser forcefield between the United States and Mexico had already been built. “I’m committed to the safety and security of this great nation, which is why we’ve…
NEW YORK—Praising the media outlet for helping relieve them of their albatross, the wealth-burdened nation expressed gratitude Thursday to America’s Finest News Source for giving them the opportunity to spend money at the recently-launched Onion store. “These mugs and T-shirts bearing the Onion logo shall finally free…
WASHINGTON—A report released Thursday by the U.S. Department of Education revealed that underfunded American public schools, most of which lack even the most basic support systems, were producing students who were perfectly prepared for the remainder of their dismal public and professional lives. “We found daily…
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Working with cleaning crews alongside the Riyadh-Dammam Highway, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman began serving his 100 hours of court-ordered community service Thursday for murdering journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “Well, I’ll admit it—I got mixed up with the wrong people and I did some bad…
AVONDALE, OH—Confessing that her grief was somewhat moderated by seeing events play out exactly as she had warned, local mother Deborah Klein said Thursday she felt somewhat vindicated upon learning that her teenage daughter Rachel, after staying out later than parental rules allowed, had been murdered. “Sure,…
In a recent interview, A Song of Ice And Fire author George R.R. Martin admitted that the plot’s expansiveness and the pressures of expectations have caused him to struggle with the Game Of Thrones new book The Winds Of Winter. What do you think?
BEIJING—In an effort to reduce the risk of overpopulation within the Muslim ethnic group, Chinese President Xi Jinping announced the decision Thursday to implement a new one-Uighur policy. “This new policy is an important step in keeping the Uighur population down to a number we find most manageable and best for the…
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Expressing concerns about losing out on hard-earned blood money, a member of the Khashoggi assassination squad admitted Friday that he hoped his bonus check from the Saudi Crown Prince cleared before his execution. “They said they would do direct deposit, so everything should be good by Monday,”…
MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to enhance the grooming experience at the company’s more than 2,400 locations, Supercuts announced Friday that they are now offering customer baths starting at $14.99. “Just because we provide great bathing value doesn’t mean we have to skip out on any of the tubside amenities our clients…
ANGERS, FRANCE—Expressing their contrition over the unfortunate incident, a team of archeologists from the Smithsonian Institution held a press conference Friday to apologize after discovering the last remaining Neanderthal and then immediately murdering him in a fit of crazed bloodlust. “The entire team is deeply…
DENVER—Seemingly oblivious to the fact that Prohibition had ended roughly 85 years ago, a group of patrons attending a speakeasy Friday were apparently unaware that it is legal to go to regular bars again. “I guess they still haven’t realized that they don’t need to sneak around to buy alcohol, or go to a place with a…
TULSA, OK—Pausing very briefly to reflect joyfully on her new role amid the day’s flurry of activity, new parent Suzanne Knott declared “becoming a mother has been the most thrilling experience of my life” Friday while fleeing the hospital with the baby she abducted mere moments before. “The very first moment I held…
An FBI report found that the number of reported hate crimes increased by 17 percent in 2017, with a notable 37 percent surge in anti-Jewish incidents. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Heralding the 2,200-year-old fired-clay container as a priceless addition to one of the world’s largest collections of same, the Metropolitan Museum of Art held a press conference Friday to announce the acquisition of yet another vase. “We’re more than thrilled to add one more intricately designed vase from…
Nov. 18 marks 20 years since the debut of The Powerpuff Girls, the Craig McCracken–created cartoon that follows three kindergarten-aged girls with superpowers. The Onion looks back at the beloved show on its 20th anniversary.
WASHINGTON—Saying they just wanted a short breather before having to dive right back into national politics, Americans begged Monday for the midterm elections to be pushed back to delay start of the 2020 presidential bids. “Please, the later you can schedule the general elections, the more time we’ll have until we…
Ridley Scott confirmed that he is currently working on a sequel to the critically acclaimed film Gladiator, which will focus on the life of the character Lucius as an adult. What do you think?
Humanity has wiped out 60 percent of the world’s mammals, birds, fish, and reptiles since 1970, leading experts at the World Wildlife Fund to warn of an extinction crisis now threatening civilization. What do you think?
WARMINSTER, PA—Claiming he simply didn’t connect with any of the people running for office this year, voter Carson Smith voiced his desire Tuesday for some kind of pre-midterm election race where voters could choose from better candidates. “I would have loved a chance, say, four or five months before the midterms, to…
WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of participating in the democratic process as envisioned by our nation’s founders George Washington and Santa Claus, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly proud Tuesday after mailing in hand-drawn Republican midterms ballots to the North Pole. “We couldn’t make it to the…
WASHINGTON—Telling reporters that they were sick and tired of having their views ignored, Americans nationwide demanded Tuesday that their voices be heard and also some kind of dessert you get after breakfast. “For too long, we have stood in the shadows, silenced by the powerful—but no longer. We insist on…
HILLIARD, IA—Beginning to worry about his chances as he followed live Election Day media coverage, Libertarian Party House of Representatives candidate Maxwell Booth was reportedly concerned Tuesday after the latest polls showed him 98 points behind his competitors. “We knew it would be a tough race, but I have to…
Seven years in the making, Red Dead Redemption 2—the third installment in Rockstar Games’ Western-themed series—is one of the most anticipated games of this console generation, and in many ways, this cowboy epic blows away those expectations. Playing through its gunfights, train raids, and elegiac storyline, I…
Citizens nationwide are heading to the polls today to cast their votes in the 2018 midterms, deciding which party will control the U.S. House and Senate, alongside other local offices and issues. What do you think?
GREENSBORO, NC—Admitting that it was difficult to keep up with all the different races, North Carolina voter Darin McDonough told reporters Tuesday that he was somehow voting for the Montana Senate and the mayor of Phoenix, AZ in his heavily gerrymandered district. “Man, there is a lot of confusing stuff on here. I’m…
Only about 40 percent of eligible Americans vote in a typical midterm election and around 60 percent in a presidential election, leading some to suggest the U.S. follow other countries’ lead and make voting compulsory, while critics warn it could have negative consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of…
SAN FRANCISCO—Encouraging voters in need of a ride to take full advantage of the company’s drivers, ride-share service Uber announced Tuesday it would be offering discounted wages for its employees on Election Day. “We want people to get out and vote, which is why our drivers will be working at a 75 percent discount…
FORT WAYNE, IN—Growing increasingly frustrated as he attempted to cast his vote in the midterm elections despite a severe lack of clarity and transparency, citizen Geoff Barnes admitted Tuesday that he was deeply confused by an obscure down-ballot measure to determine the senator for his district. “I don’t even know…
In a finding divided more by party than gender, a poll found that 43 percent of Americans believe the #MeToo movement has gone “too far,” expressing concern about the rush to judgment and unproven accusations ruining peoples’ careers. What do you think?
LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Insisting that the machine was operating exactly as intended, Georgia election worker Mitchell Hamlin reportedly assured a black man on Tuesday that the ballot scanner was supposed to sound like a shredder. “Don’t you worry, it’s designed to sound like it’s ripping your ballot into thousands of tiny…
CAMDEN, NJ—In a move that has left grocery store shelves empty across North America, an increasingly paranoid Campbell’s Soup Company has begun stockpiling the entire production of its eponymous canned soup in preparation for the total catastrophic collapse of civilization. “The end is nigh, and the only way to…
DURHAM, NH—Blaming those with a differing worldview for sowing rampant discord in society, political scientists at the University of New Hampshire announced Wednesday they had traced the current polarization in American democracy to those fucking idiots on the other side of the aisle. “The analysis we conducted…
LAKEWOOD, OH—Cramped and frustrated at being unable to interact with any of the other guests, Halloween party attendee Hayley Crawford divulged Wednesday that she was sick of being stuck as the back half of the Velma costume. “It’s unbelievably hot back here and I’m tired of suddenly being pulled around without…
CLEVELAND—Finding themselves hopelessly out of their depth despite years of training in emergency field medicine, a local team of paramedics told reporters Wednesday that they had no idea how difficult it would be to cut a dangerously drunk woman out of an Elmo costume. “Good God, how did she even breathe in this…
James “Whitey” Bulger, the notorious former Boston mob boss, was killed Tuesday morning at a West Virginia prison after serving 7 years of his life sentence. What do you think?
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—After a lifetime spent defining the sound of basketball in America, Roman Sullivan, the original voice of the NBA buzzer, passed away at the age of 83, sources confirmed Thursday. “Today, we mourn a longtime member of the NBA family. You always knew it was either the half or end of a game when you heard…
THE HEAVENS—Urging Christians nationwide to “Buy! Buy! Buy!” on Thursday, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced that He will come again to judge the living and the dead once the Dow clears 27,000. “Listen, my children, and I will tell you—when the NYSE closing bell rings out and the Dow Jones…
WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—Noting that the notoriously hard-to-predict voting bloc will be critical to success on election day, a Monmouth University poll released Thursday found that the 2018 midterms will likely be decided by Americans who arrive at the community center looking for a pottery class. “Data from past…
NEW YORK—Expressing frustration after yet another company employee visited her office with an issue, human resources director Sally Kent told reporters Thursday that she doesn’t know what exactly it is about her that makes people want to unload all their problems. “I have absolutely no idea why they all want to lay…
NEW YORK—Embodying every potential voter from a 75-year-old Latina grandmother of 12 to a Generation Z high school senior living in the Atlanta exurbs, hundreds of Nate Silvers representing every voting demographic in America ran rampant through the FiveThirtyEight.com offices Thursday following a disastrous explosion…
ATHENS, GA—Saying that the data heralded a promising outcome for election day, representatives from Brian Kemp’s gubernatorial campaign were reportedly energized Thursday after perusing early voter suppression numbers. “It’s very exciting to see that with five days to go before the election, thousands of Georgians…
BURRILLVILLE, RI—Touting it as an incredible opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a lucrative business endeavor, child venture capitalist Aidan Frost reportedly invested $2.50 Thursday in his friend’s new slug-eating enterprise. “I’m pleased to announce that I’ve agreed to make a more than two-dollar…
Germany’s Angela Merkel has said she will step down as chancellor and pass off leadership of her center-right party in 2021. What do you think?
ARLINGTON, TX—Admitting that the billions of dollars needed to grease the wheels required a joint effort, the Texas Rangers requested Wednesday that taxpayers cover roughly 60 percent of bribes related to the construction of their new stadium. “Between contractors, vendors, and local law enforcement, there’s a lot of…
TULSA, OK—Saying that the admission represented a momentous new step in their relationship, advertising salesman Vince Fergus, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his “kinky” girlfriend had expressed interest in experiencing sexual pleasure later tonight. “I mean, I guess I’m game for whatever, but I just never thought of…
WASHINGTON—Providing vital new insight into their ancestral roots, a homemade DNA test self-administered by Eric and Donald Trump Jr. Wednesday proved definitively that they are both at least “one jar blood.” “I always figured I was at least half a jar blood, and now we got the proof,” said Donald Trump Jr., visibly…
NEW YORK—Noting that it was becoming increasingly crucial for those in high-risk jobs to invest for retirement as early as possible, top financial experts concluded Wednesday that young grifters should begin laying the groundwork for a long con by age 25. “We strongly urge young grifters to put away 10 percent of…
Blockchain technology forms the foundation for cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin, Dogecoin, and Ethereum, but it can be difficult to understand how it actually works. The Onion answers common questions about blockchain technology.
CHICAGO—Telling reporters that the additional scrutiny had yielded promising results, authorities confirmed Wednesday that blacklight analysis showed that a velvet poster of a mushroom kingdom looked even cooler than previously imagined. “When placed under ultraviolet light, we quickly discovered that the frolicking…
NAPLES, FL—Noting that the sick colleague had been instructed to “take it easy” and “hang in there,” local brand manager Cassandra Reynolds confirmed Thursday that all of the good sentiments on a coworker’s “get well soon” card were already taken. “Shit, somebody is already sending him good vibes, too,” said Reynolds,…
WASHINGTON—In what is being described as a “close call” for the aircraft’s passengers and crew, sources reported that Melania Trump’s plane was forced to turn around and make an emergency landing Wednesday after thick plumes of smoke began billowing out of the first lady. “There was a strong burning smell, and as soon…
Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren released a DNA test that she says proves her claims of distant Native American heritage, although it has drawn scrutiny from Native groups and Republicans. What do you think?
Starting Wednesday, Canada became the highest-profile country to decriminalize cannabis possession and tax and regulate its sales, opening new markets and helping drive the push in other countries like the U.S. What do you think?
AUSTIN, TX—Emphasizing that the state had done nothing so far to merit anything besides the status quo, a new attack ad released Thursday by incumbent Sen. Ted Cruz declared that his challenger, Rep. Beto O’Rourke, was “too good” for Texas. “He’s charismatic, he’s good-looking, he’s clearly a nice guy—and frankly, you…
ATLANTA—Informing the more than 150 million Americans affected by the error that the mistake was “totally our bad,” embarrassed officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that they had accidentally switched all 2018 flu shots with samples of HIV. “Oh, god, we really and truly…
SOUTH DEERFIELD, MA—Offering sincere apologies to customers for the misunderstanding, Yankee Candle clarified Thursday that their product has only ever been intended to be dripped on testicles. “I guess we could have put some sort of instructions on the label, but we assumed everyone already knew they were for melting…
HINSDALE, IL—Saying the money was already burning a hole in his pocket, lottery ticket holder Frank Cantrell confirmed Thursday that he had preemptively spent $900 million in anticipation of winning the Mega Millions jackpot. “Maybe I got ahead of myself with the yacht and helicopter purchases, but after this weekend…
A federal district court judge denied Paul Manafort’s request to wear a suit in court, saying he should wear prison garb just like any other defendant post-conviction. What do you think?
TULSA, OK—Wondering why nobody bothered to tell him about the far easier alternative this whole time, sprinter Eric Powell admitted Thursday that he feels like a total idiot after finding out about jogging. “Jesus, I can’t believe I’ve been working my ass off, pushing myself to run as fast as humanly possible when I…
OXFORD, ENGLAND—In an uncharacteristically frank and revelatory discussion of his inspirations and creative process, Radiohead frontman and solo artist Thom Yorke admitted Thursday that the vast majority of music he makes is fueled solely by the constant fear of being one-upped by British rock band Coldplay. “When I…
Former FBI director James Comey speculated this week that the special investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 election may be in its “fourth quarter,” citing the guilty pleas Robert Mueller obtained from high-ranking Trump associates. What do you think?
GRANDVIEW, TX—Sprinting onto the field with a thundering roar of “Pardon us, please,” the scrupulously polite Grandview Knights high school football team ran around a hand-drawn break-away banner Friday rather than bursting through it, recognizing that it must have taken hours of hard work to make. “So much talent and…
WASHINGTON—Baffled as to how the potentially disastrous mistake could have gone unnoticed for so many years, White House sources confirmed Friday that roughly 417,225 hours of private presidential conversations were discovered immaculately preserved due to the fact that no one remembered to turn off Richard Nixon’s…
BUFFALO, NY—Watching his team fail miserably while attempting to convert yet another third down and long, Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott wondered Sunday if he still needed to act angry even though everyone already knew the Bills were going to lose. “I mean, everybody saw this coming, should I even bother…
NEW YORK—Noting their begrudging respect while singing praises of the winged mammals, zoologists nationwide admitted Monday that you’ve really got to hand it to bats for learning how to fly. “After extensive research, we’ve found that you have to give bats their due for figuring out how to soar through the air,” said…
HEAVEN—Following decades of careful financial management, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, remarked on His excitement at realizing that only two mortgage payments stood between Him and outright ownership of Heaven. “After 6,000 years of paying off this loan, it’s crazy to think that I’m mere weeks away from calling…
FARMINGTON, NM—Frantically beseeching her significant other to deal with the unpleasant intruder, Kathleen Fatica shouted down the hallway Monday for her boyfriend to come kill a humongous ax murderer she happened to stumble across in the bedroom. “Gary! Gary! Gary, come to the bedroom! Quick! There’s a creepy, gross,…
WASHINGTON—In a shocking development revealed just moments ago, sources confirmed that—oh, wait, sorry, false alarm. Multiple reports confirmed that, despite late-breaking suggestions to the contrary, you can actually forget about this news item and return to whatever you were doing before seeing this. In fact,…
Elon Musk announced that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be the passenger for the first-ever private mission to the moon in 2023. Maezawa hopes to bring along up to eight artists with him to inspire creativity based on space voyages. What do you think? 
SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO—More than a year after the U.S. territory was left devastated in the wake of Hurricane Maria, experts say that the island of Puerto Rico, along with the 3.7 million U.S. citizens who live there, will remain extremely vulnerable to U.S. governments in the foreseeable future. “This is the worst…
VATICAN CITY—Claiming the vestments represent a vital step in ameliorating the church’s centuries-long history of addressing sexual abuse with subsequent cover-ups, the Catholic Church introduced a line of wrought iron molestation-proof altar boy uniforms Monday. “With these new impenetrable steel robes, Catholic…
Chicago will form a task force to consider implementing a universal basic income program, which would make monthly payments to a number of Chicago families without any conditions. What do you think?
CINCINNATI, OH—Frustrated by a perceived lack of respect and appreciation, the main entrance of Bubby’s Bar and Grill said Friday that she frankly resented being referred to by her fellow employees as “the other door.” “I’m here day in and day out working my ass off in all kinds of weather, and they’ve got the nerve…
If you think all corporate CEOs are heartless monsters who only care about their companies’ bottom lines, this story is going to make you think again: When a 27-year-old employee at Subway had to walk 20 miles to work because he couldn’t afford a car, the CEO of Subway drove alongside him to cheer him on.
MILWAUKEE—Saying the newly unearthed materials would help shed light on the serial killer’s extensive oeuvre, the Jeffrey Dahmer estate held a press conference Friday during which it announced plans to exhibit victim remains never before seen by the general public.
WASHINGTON—Offering an overview of Americans’ opinions of the commander in chief’s job performance, a new poll released Friday indicated that President Trump’s disapproval rating had reached an all-time none of this matters. The report, released by who really cares which of the utterly useless polling firms and…
BERKELEY, CA—Putting to rest centuries of debate, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley announced Friday that they had obtained incontrovertible proof of evolution after finally capturing footage of a chimpanzee transforming into a human. “We have verified beyond any doubt that our species evolved from…
MONTGOMERY, AL—In an effort to boost the economy and produce more accurate on-screen depictions of the state known as the Heart of Dixie, Alabama governor Kay Ivey signed off on a new creative arts tax credit bill Monday designed and structured to attract film crews creating YouTube “fail compilations” to the state.…
AKRON, OH—Unsure what to make of the mid-level salesperson who is both unmarried and not pregnant, Americans were reportedly baffled Monday by Andrea McGovern, a childless 32-year-old woman who doesn’t even have a high-powered career. “She doesn’t seem to be an executive, which is fine, but then why doesn’t she have…
URBANA, IL—In a warning of what they are calling an impending public health crisis, scientists from the University of Illinois announced Monday that the tingling sensation of autonomous sensory meridian response-inducing stimuli, or ASMR, is actually caused by mass cell death in the brain. “What you are feeling in the…
BILLINGS, MT—Resigning herself to the fact that perhaps she just wasn’t meant to have smooth, detangled hair, area woman Candace Fard confided to reporters Thursday that after being let down by yet another leave-in conditioner, she wasn’t sure she could ever put herself out there again. “I’ve been burned so many times…
FAIRFAX, VA—Expressing immense gratitude for their role in normalizing and promoting the pursuits of marginalized people, the National Alliance on Mental Illness issued a statement Thursday praising the National Rifle Association for decreasing the stigma around mentally ill people acquiring firearms. “There are still…
WASHINGTON—Declaring the rapid decrease in the population of several endangered species “problematic,” Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke called for new legislation Thursday designed to slow the destruction of the nation’s wildlife so that he might relish every last minute of its extinction. “We need to preserve…
CODAJÁS, BRAZIL—Saying that he was willing to try anything once, a praying mantis in the Amazon rainforest hesitantly agreed to his girlfriend’s sexual fantasy of eating his head during sex, sources confirmed Thursday. “Honestly, I was a little wary when she first told me she was fantasizing about devouring my head,…
After reportedly causing disputes with President Trump over his cooperation with the special counsel, White House Counsel Don McGahn will step down in the fall. What do you think?
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Responding to concern about the Trump administration accusing hundreds of Hispanic people living near the U.S.–Mexico border of having fraudulent birth certificates and revoking their passports, political scientists reassured Americans Thursday that stripping minority groups of their citizenship is…
TUSCALOOSA, AL—Suddenly realizing that the tradition was actually sort of strange when one stopped to really think about it, University of Alabama administrators admitted to reporters Thursday that it was pretty weird that they let a bunch of 20-year-olds live in a big mansion and torture each other. “I guess allowing…
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Facing backlash for warning voters not to “monkey this up” and vote for his black political opponent, Andrew Gillum, Republican gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis held a press conference Thursday to clarify that his comments were intended as a subtle enough dog whistle to racists that he could…
For the fourth consecutive year, federal health officials said that new cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis spiked in 2017, rising by nearly 10 percent due to changing sexual habits and a lack of public awareness. What do you think?
CRESCENT CITY, CA—In an admission that highlights the internal complexities of the prison worker strike spreading across the nation, Pelican Bay supermax prison warden Earl Daniels has divulged that he is struggling to find methods of punishment worse than the inmates’ current living conditions. “There’s no question…
OAK PARK, IL—Noting that the musicians had left their straight-line formation and stopped very cleanly, sources confirmed Friday that the Fenwick High School marching band was definitely in the shape of something. “I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be, like, a flag or trapezoid, or maybe another type of square-looking…
As over 50 million students return for a new school year, the U.S. education system faces of a number of technological, philosophical, and financial challenges. The Onion looks at important events in the history of the American education system.
DENVER—Noting that absolute devotion was the key to seducing a potential partner, relationship experts recommended Friday that it’s best to tell a woman that you would die for her at the outset of a first date. “Time and time again, we’ve found that the best way for a man to win the heart of a lady is to immediately…
Well, here’s a tale of low-down scumbaggery that’s going to make your blood boil: This middle schooler casually switched from playing the clarinet to the alto saxophone, so he’ll almost certainly cheat on his wife someday.What an absolute sack of shit this kid is going to be.Sixth-grader Noah Thompson had spent a full…
RALEIGH, NC—Claiming he only needs something that’s easy to hook up with internet capabilities, local dad Greg Knox informed his family Friday that he just wants a simple, no-nonsense Xbox One for checking emails. “I don’t want any of those fancy Xboxes with the Kinects or headsets or anything like that. It would just…
ROME—Sweeping through the Holy Roman Empire from Saxony to Sardinia, the new Pope Innocent III–penned Gregorian chant “Veni Sancte Spiritus” was causing church masses to go wild Sunday with its catchy liturgical hooks and strict adherence to monastic traditions of composition. “The monks start intoning this soft,…
WINTANCAESTER, BRITANNIA—In response to the outcry that has followed the distribution of woodcuts showing one of its members posing next to a beheaded dragon, the Chivalric Order of St. George issued a statement Wednesday rebuking the notion that the creatures could go extinct if knights continue to hunt them. “In…
DINKELSBÜHL, GERMANIA—Stressing that he simply found the boorish displays to be beneath him in every respect, pretentious peasant Hans van Leden repeatedly insisted Friday that he never stoops to watching beheadings. “Frankly, I’ve always thought there was something a bit crass about frittering away your time in the…
HOBSCROSS, BRITANNIA—Taking exception with the flashy, non-accidental opening in the Western wall of the thatched hut, the serf community expressed disapproval Monday after discovering that Ernault Bauldry, a hotshot peasant and laborer in Hobscross fields, has a window. “Well, la-di-dah, look who’s putting on airs…
EAST FENS, BRITANNIA—Visitors and residents remarked this week that the severed, pike-mounted head of Duke Robert de L’Alsace, which was installed overlooking the moat outside the western portcullis of Castle Colgrave “doth quite pull together the castle’s look.” “Any fortified residence may sport pennants, crenelated…
EOFERWIC, BRITANNIA—Saying that it really wasn’t such a grandiose request after years of loyal servitude, Ilbert Hildebrondus, a local court trumpeter at the Old Baile Keep, confirmed Wednesday he wishes that, just once, someone would sound the horns for him as he entered the castle gates. “All I’m saying is that one…
The West Hollywood City Council approved a symbolic vote in support of removing President Trump’s star from the Walk of Fame, although the ultimate decision is governed by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. What do you think?
JERUSALEM—Talking of the deep satisfaction they feel when slipping on a gilded robe and chilling out with devotees, world leaders from Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and every other major religion admitted Friday that they just love getting to wear frilly little gowns and having a blast. “Yeah, what can I say? We just…
The number of people using mobile payment apps like Apple Pay and Venmo continues to rise, although there are concerns that their convenience could come at the cost of security. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of mobile payment apps.
LOS ANGELES—Explaining that their goal has always been to hold a mirror to society, whether focusing on the power of friendship or a racially motivated killing, the writers behind the hit children’s television series PAW Patrol defended a recent episode of the show Friday in which a German shepherd “police pup” shoots…
SPRINGVILLE, UT—Concerned by the disturbing changes in her behavior since she discovered the site earlier this year, local man Derek Wilkinson told reporters Friday he worries his girlfriend, Katie Spencer, has started to become radicalized by a skin-care blog.
EAST STROUDSBURG, PA—Intuiting that the close placement of the two objects was most likely not coincidental, funeral attendee Bryan Abboud made the assumption Friday that the man depicted in a portrait next to the coffin was more than likely the deceased. “Unless I’m missing something here, that’s got to be the dead…
NOVI, MI—Vowing to give such an important request the respect it deserves, local Chili’s server Melissa Cortez told reporters Friday that she was unbelievably touched to be asked by a customer for her opinion on whether the enchiladas or burger was a better choice. “Oh, wow, for a lowly waiter like me to be asked by a…
VATICAN CITY—Following a Pennsylvania grand jury’s report on widespread sexual abuse of children by priests and a cover-up that spanned decades, the Vatican released a statement Friday saying “listen, no normal person is going to sign up to be a priest.” “Look, we ask an awful lot of ordained priests and make them…
Due to unusually high temperatures, German beer consumption has risen rapidly, causing a shortage in the over 3 billion beer bottles in circulation. What do you think? 
Researchers at Harvard found that individuals wearing boxer shorts had a 25 percent higher sperm concentration those in tight-fitting underwear, most likely due to the cooler temperatures inside boxers. What do you think?
Streaming app Spotify is testing a new feature in Australia that allows non-paying users to skip an unlimited number of ads, allowing them to better track information about which ads users do and do not skip. What do you think?
The White House is moving ahead on its plan to roll back the fuel economy mandate set by the Obama administration, likely resulting in more low-efficiency cars on the road. What do you think?
KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting that the ceremony was an absolute shit show, local grandmother Shirley Ingle could not believe Saturday that she’d hung on so long just to attend her granddaughter’s lame-ass wedding. “I fought so hard to stay alive and be here for this special day, but my God—this wedding fucking sucks,”…
On Saturday night, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and delivered his acceptance speech during the enshrinement ceremony in Canton, OH. Below are the words and phrases used by Lewis, weighted by the frequency in which they appeared.
Defying legal advice, President Trump told lawyers recently that he is eager to sit down for an interview with the special counsel. What do you think?
MILWAUKEE, WI—Expressing his deep and heartfelt regrets regarding how the incident has played out in the media, Milwaukee police officer Ian Feeny said Monday that he would never have killed an unarmed black man during a routine traffic stop if he had known that everyone would make such a big fuss about the incident.…
ITHACA, NY—Finding himself nearly paralyzed by frustration and indecision, an American horned owl couldn’t remember which direction to turn in order to rotate his head back into place, avian sources confirmed Monday. “God, I always do this. I’m pretty sure it’s righty-tighty, lefty-loosey, but I forget which way I…
CHICAGO—Saying that home prospecting can be “a simple, low-effort method of exercising financial foresight,” the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors published a report Monday suggesting readers spend one evening ripping apart the walls and floorboards of their homes each week in search of hidden cash,…
WASHINGTON—In a stark reversal of past statements on the Trump Tower meeting, President Trump acknowledged Monday that he believed his eldest son would most likely be fine doing five to 10 years in a federal prison. “Despite reports that I’m concerned about my wonderful son being sent to jail, I actually think there…
President Trump admitted this weekend that the purpose of a meeting between his son Don Jr. and a woman linked to the Kremlin was to search for incriminating information about Hillary Clinton, directly contradicting previous statements. What do you think?
NORILSK, RUSSIA—Following the president’s disclosure that the purpose of the controversial June 2016 Trump Tower meeting was in fact held to collect opposition research on Hillary Clinton, hundreds of Russian orphans were devastated Monday after realizing that Donald Trump Jr. did not in fact call Russian lobbyists to…
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Conceding that any actual committed relationship with the anthropomorphic rodent would likely entail the usual day-to-day spousal complications, bachelor Pete Brookeshire admitted Monday that, in reality, a marriage to Minnie Mouse wouldn’t be as perfect as he liked to imagine. “Yes, Minnie is my dream…
WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the widespread repercussions from the act of corporate censorship, first amendment experts warned Monday that Facebook’s decision to ban InfoWars could set a completely reasonable precedent for free speech. “If we allow giant media platforms to single out individual users for harassing the…
AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging that his recent removal from several major media platforms may be for the best, noted conspiracy theorist and InfoWars host Alex Jones returned to his humble roots Monday screaming conspiracy theories through a megaphone at people in the park. “Although having my show and podcasts taken down…
AUSTIN, TX—Cautioning against the devastating effects of abandoning the daily regimen of essential vitamins and minerals, radio host Alex Jones warned his fans Tuesday that quitting his supplements cold turkey could lead to homosexuality and Judaism. “Folks, if you miss even one day of your Anthroplex or Survival…
NEW YORK—In an effort to make the biggest impact possible in his 17th season, Carmelo Anthony revealed Tuesday that he thinks he would be a great fit on a team with a general manager who hasn’t been paying close attention the last few years. “The ideal situation for me would be a team that thinks they need that one…
MENLO PARK, CA—Claiming that the banner embodied the spirit of the company’s values, Mark Zuckerberg defended his controversial decision Friday to fly a Confederate flag at the Facebook headquarters. “Facebook considers itself an open environment that accepts all perspectives, and white nationalism is an important…
Daddy, I’ve been thinking. I know I never talk to you about Facebook. You’ve worked really hard on it, and it means a lot to you, so as your daughter I’ve always tried to keep quiet whenever it comes up. But I just can’t stay silent anymore. It’s time for me to stand up for what’s right.
FARMINGTON, NM—Providing an opportunity to rethink the decision to leave the social media site for good, a Facebook prompt reading “You’re deleting your account? We’ll be sad to see you go” appeared on user Emily Feldman’s computer screen Friday and showed her a photo of her own dead body. “Your family and friends…
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Cautioning the public about one of the major potential drawbacks of genetically modifying embryos, ethicists at Harvard Medical School were reportedly worried Friday that the emergence of designer babies could make them look really ugly in comparison. “While gene editing has shown promise as a means of…
MENLO PARK, CA—A $30 million donation from a charity run by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, intended to help kids learn to read, has been returned following a resounding “fuck you” from the nation’s illiterate children, sources confirmed Friday. “Take this blood money and shove it up…
WALTHAM, MA—Saying that if the U.S. government would not act it was time to take matters into their own hands, defense contractor Raytheon declared war on North Korea, sources confirmed Friday. “Look, the American government has made it abundantly clear with their massive payments and subsidies to the private defense…
PEABODY, MA—Having discovered the social media website open on his father’s unattended laptop, local 6-year-old Oliver Sherman stated “We must protect the pure Aryan bloodline” Friday after nine minutes of Facebook access without supervision. “There’s a white genocide going on in this country, and no one wants you to…
Researchers at MIT have created a “psychopath” AI named Norman by training it using data from Reddit, saying that it produced highly disturbing and violent responses to standard prompts such as image captioning. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Claiming that the administration’s policy was rooted in a clear moral authority, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly defended separating immigrant families Friday by citing his senate confirmation vote. “I would remind anyone concerned about the ethics of removing asylum-seekers from their children…
NEW YORK—Touting the new offering as the perfect gift for Father’s Day or any occasion to celebrate the fashionable man in your life, Brooks Brothers unveiled Friday a new line of monogramed cum rags. “Our high-quality, durable, and stylish cum rags are the only accessory you need to elevate a simple menswear ensemble…
WILKES-BARRE, PA—Confused by his sudden, passionate rooting interest in the Mediterranean country, coworkers of area consultant Adam Shetaro told reporters Friday he was going all-in on a tenuous familial connection to Portugal for the 2018 World Cup. “I’ve worked with Adam for almost four years now, and he’s never…
Next week, iconic artist and director David Lynch and co-author Kristine McKenna will release Room To Dream, a unique, 592-page memoir that combines hundreds of interviews with accounts from Lynch himself, often directly contradicting those interviews. What do you think?
Now that the whole story about two innocent black men being arrested in one of its stores is a distant memory, Starbucks has made the baffling decision to waste a huge amount of everyone’s time and attention today by closing down for anti-bias training even though the #Resistance has moved on and we’re mad about other…
LOS ANGELES—Noting the interest generated by the extensive television coverage of Harvey Weinstein’s arraignment on sexual assault charges, Hollywood producer Jeff Moss admitted Friday that he can’t stop thinking about the giant pile of money he could make off a movie about the unfolding scandal. “What Harvey did to…
Fellow liberal activists, get ready to feel for this guy, because he’s living out any #Resistance member’s absolute nightmare: His uncle is racist, but not quite racist enough for him to get any viral content out of it.
NEW YORK—Selling out the entire venue and filling the standing room to capacity, thousands of fans flocked to Yankee Stadium Friday to proudly celebrate asshole heritage night. “Today, we honor the contributions and history of the many jackasses who have played for the New York Yankees as well as the pricks who…
A JetBlue affiliate that offers private jet flights has signed up to buy up to 100 hybrid-electric planes produced by startup Zunum Aero. What do you think?
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Rewarding their longtime fans for their loyalty, Radiohead has re-released their career-defining 2000 album Kid A with remastered original skits. “After years of workshopping and late nights in the studio, we are proud to announce the release of the new Platinum Edition Kid A with all-new remastered…
NEW YORK—Dismissing past versions as outdated and totally ill-suited for the modern pancake breakfast, HarperCollins announced Friday that the 19th edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette would be updated to include a chapter on how to properly lick maple syrup off of your plate. “Remember, after finishing an order of…
WESTFORD, MA—Chastising himself for not double-checking everything before he left for the day, Puma researcher Benjamin Harris was reportedly overcome Friday by a nagging feeling that he had left Usain Bolt running at the office. “Goddammit, I don’t want to have to go all the way back there, but it’s really bad for…
Pornography is a huge factor in how people perceive sex. Unfortunately, it often depicts sex in faulty and exaggerated ways, and those inaccurate portrayals can affect real relationships in a real ways. Here are five unrealistic expectations that porn creates between horny MILFS and their absolutely hung stepsons.
The U.S. meat industry produced nearly 100 billion pounds of meat in 2017, a new record, but many criticize the industry’s practices. The Onion breaks down the myths and facts about the U.S. meat industry.
PRINCETON, NJ—Watching helplessly as his fellow partygoers moved on to a different topic of conversation, local man Greg Southerton reportedly abandoned the group Tuesday and directed the full force of his anecdote towards a single, nearby person. “Speaking of childhood pets, I had this pretty wild thing happen to my…
FRESNO, CA—Emphasizing that a clean break was probably best for all parties involved, prominent Republican donor David Heyward announced Tuesday that he contributed $4.5 million to Devin Nunes on the condition that the California representative and House Intelligence Committee chairman retire upon receipt of the funds…
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Confirming the long-theorized connection between human nervousness and the attempt to find a better view while in a public space, a study published Tuesday by the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of North Carolina found that human anxiety is highest when sitting in the wrong…
SEATTLE—Responding to news of the digital assistant recording users’ conversations without their knowledge, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured critics Tuesday that Alexa’s stored audio can be deleted by simply rappelling into company headquarters, maneuvering through an intricate laser field, and destroying every server…
TAMPA, FL—Condemning the senseless and unnecessary nature of the slow-developing tragedy in the strictest possible terms, local authorities reported Monday that numerous bystanders failed to intervene as area man Brian Meehan went about his life. “Despite Mr. Meehan living his day-to-day life in clear view, many…
For those holding out hope that the infamous pee tape will eventually surface and expose President Trump for the depraved monster he truly is, sadly it’s now looking like, if anything, the video will only make him more popular than ever: According to new intel from sources close to Special Counsel Robert Mueller, the…
Bill Gates revealed that President Trump asked him on two separate occasions if there was any difference between HIV—short for human immunodeficiency virus—and HPV—the human papillomavirus—two viruses that have very little to do with each other outside of their similar acronyms. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Citing leading economic indicators for its robust forecast of the nation’s fiscal climate, a new report released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis found that the prevailing financial expansion will only continue and the economy will be invincible forever this time. “All available data tell us…
NEW YORK—Annoyed with the players’ complete lack of common courtesy, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred sternly reminded teams Friday to properly dispose of any torn elbow ligaments. “Any discarded elbow ligaments should be tied off in a plastic bag and dropped in the designated receptacles. Staff and fans shouldn’t have to…
Boring Company founder Elon Musk revealed this week that rides in the 60-mile planned system of tunnels currently being dug underground will cost $1 for commuters and will be free for a period when their first 2.6 mile segment is open. What do you think?
PHOENIXVILLE, PA—Acknowledging that he is, after all, at a difficult age, sources at the Golden Living Center nursing home confirmed Monday that local senior Frank Gardner has been pretty checked out during his final year. “All he does lately is zone out and stare off blankly, so you can tell Frank wants to just…
The U.S. is one of the only countries not to mandate paid sick leave, a fact that many people believe is more harmful than helpful in the workplace, while opponents argue that it could hurt businesses. The Onion debunks common myths about paid sick leave.
NEW YORK—Adding to its lineup an alternate-history drama that has been hotly anticipated by viewers and critics alike, the Showtime network will premiere an original series Sunday night that examines how the course of world events would have been altered if the Nazis had won the 1991 NBA Finals.
The most fascinating people on the planet are right here on ClickHole to answer all your fascinating questions about the most fascinating topics, all in real time. So join the convo on today’s Ask Questions At Me!
EAU CLAIRE, WI—Speeding through affirmations about her looks, area woman Cara Waller attempted Tuesday to cram a few years’ worth of body positivity into the 20 minutes she had before trying on bathing suits. “Listen up, girl, we don’t have a lot of time here, but just remember every body is a beach body and your…
CHICOPEE, MA—Expressing frustration that the new role had been imposed on it without even so much as a warning, a recently planted maple tree reportedly wished Tuesday that it had been given a say in becoming a memorial to a man’s dead wife. “It’s just a really awkward position to be put in; I didn’t even know the…
BILLINGS, MO—Finding himself increasingly uncertain as to the purpose of his substantial cache of military-grade firearms, Billings resident Greg Carnes admitted Tuesday that he was unable to remember whether the 20 rifles he’d stockpiled were meant to aid in armed rebellion against the government or prevent the same.…
As we look out across this dance floor, and across the broader spectrum of our culture, it is tempting to conclude we are a nation hopelessly divided. After all, the issues that separate us are very real. However, I refuse to believe we will find solutions to our problems by retreating further into our respective…
The Onion, in recent days, has attempted to contend with a serious legal threat issued in 2013 by the president’s personal attorney. In exchange for removing an offending piece written by Mr. Trump, titled “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years,” our publication hoped for a speedy…
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced he will run for re-election as an independent on a platform that will include a $15 national minimum wage, Medicare for all, and free tuition at public universities. What do you think?
WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Ensuring his college friend had a comfortable place to crash while in town for the upcoming wedding, Prince Harry led guest Arnold Hayweather to an air mattress in an unused side room at Windsor Castle. “Ah, here we are. I inflated the old boy pretty good, so feel free to let some air out if it’s too…
Averaging about 1.5 million listeners per episode, Pod Save America has established itself as one of the most popular political podcasts available today. The show is hosted by four former Obama White House staffers, and has featured a variety of influential Democrats as guests, including Kamala Harris, Elizabeth…
It’s hard to imagine a more high-pressure situation than officiating a royal wedding that hundreds of millions of people are watching, and that pressure is clearly getting to officiant Justin Welby, who in his opening address just introduced bride Meghan Markle as “Michael Morgle.” After announcing the groom, Prince…
WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Attempting to keep his past in the past while setting up a shot of newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, royal wedding photographer Geoff Kelly was unable to completely suppress his guilt over the 1997 incident in which he ran Princess Diana off the road in Paris’ Pont de l’Alma tunnel, killing…
This week, pop band Backstreet Boys released “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart,” their first single in five years, alongside a music video in which they dance with a female hologram. What do you think?
WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Bemoaning their luck as they watched other wedding guests happily mingle over dinner, Meghan Markle’s college friends confirmed Saturday that they had gotten stuck sitting at a table with the British Royal Family’s sickly Habsburg cousins. “Ugh, of course we get saddled with the weird, pale cousins…
CHICAGO—Expressing his incredulity at the race participants’ level of entitlement, a local man who set up a table full of water cups at Grant Park told reporters Sunday he had no idea how passing marathon runners got the impression they could just take them. “I came here like I do every weekend to enjoy a leisurely…
BASEL, SWITZERLAND—Bedecked in a red cape and leather jumpsuit as he began shimmying into the muzzle of the artillery weapon, assisted suicide advocate David Goodall told reporters Thursday that he looked forward to ending his life before being shot out of a cannon at a brick wall. “At my age, and even earlier than my…
WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide the most accurate possible picture of the nation’s demographics, the Director of the U.S. Census Bureau Ron Jarmin called for an updated population report Friday after realizing he had completely forgotten to count himself. “This is a bit embarrassing, but it looks like I neglected…
SIESTA KEY, FL—Saying that it was simple and straightforward to locate a gift that their mother would enjoy, the children of alcoholic Alison Cassidy confirmed Friday that she was pretty easy to shop for. “It’s cool that we don’t have to get stressed out running around to a bunch of different shops when we can just…
Across the nation, Americans are getting ready to celebrate their moms this Sunday. What do you plan for Mother’s Day?
MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—After assuming the position for more than two millennia, Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet, announced Monday that the next will be his final life before retirement. “I’ve had a good run continuously reincarnating as a tulku these past few dozen lives, but after much consideration, I think…
President Donald Trump announced he will meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un in Singapore on June 12. What do you think?
SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Speaking to reporters ahead of their planned June wedding, engaged couple Sarah Hargrove and Brian Neely confirmed Monday that all they wanted was a small ceremony at their local park surrounded by close friends and a shirtless stranger hanging around a tree. “When we envision our special day, we’re…
SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting he didn’t think he’d be utilizing intimidation tactics from his childhood this far down the line, 38-year-old Gene Booker confirmed Monday that he was surprised by how often he still uses the bullying skills he learned in high school. “I always thought destroying other people’s confidence and…
A mystery is currently unfolding that’s completely bewildered every fifth-grader at Columbus Elementary in Hastings, Nebraska. At the present moment, no one can really tell whether the kid who just asked the sex-ed teacher if turds come out of pussies said it to be funny or out of genuine ignorance.
WASHINGTON—After spending the better part of Monday afternoon watching live television coverage of the demonstrations in the hotly contested Gaza Strip, Donald Trump declared himself “absolutely fascinated” by the Israeli cultural tradition of slaughtering protestors. “It’s very beautiful, such a beautiful custom,”…
Lead singer of Scottish rock band Frightened Rabbit Scott Hutchison has died in an apparent suicide at the age of 36, leaving behind a legacy of speaking out on mental health awareness with songs such as “Swim Until You Can’t See Land,” “The Modern Leper,” and “Keep Yourself Warm.” What do you think?
PHOENIX—Casting aside any semblance of social decorum and human dignity, fifth grader Evelyn Gasper brutally impaled a stack of loose-leaf paper onto the rings of her binder Monday without hesitating for even a second to request access to the three-hole punch, sources at Peabody Elementary School confirmed. “My god,…
CHICAGO—Explaining the growing need to tighten restrictions for the comfort of their guests, United Airlines officials announced Monday plans to update their policy on allowing dogfights in the passenger cabin. “Effective immediately, United will no longer permit guests to stage dogfights or any other bloodsport on…
CLEVELAND—Saying the bold new infrastructure project would serve the needs of local residents through the 21st century and beyond, city officials announced Monday that work was finally complete on Cleveland’s long-awaited elevated sewer system.
CLEVELAND—Growing ever more frustrated as he found himself spending his 10th minute of the day on non-interactive animation designed to advance the game’s plot, gamer Kyle Pierce told reporters Monday that even after spending 137 hours playing Xenoblade Chronicles 2, he could not believe that he has to waste his…
ITHACA, NY—In an effort to raise awareness on a potentially massive squandering of personal resources by thousands of hip, happening Americans, analysts at Cornell University published an alarming study Monday confirming that the vast majority of citizens who have got it fail to regularly and persistently flaunt it.…
China’s Communist Party may scrap the two-term presidential limit, clearing the way for Xi Jinping to stay in power far longer than the typical 10-year tenure. What do you think?
EDMONDS, WA—Highly motivated and ready to put their new skills to good use, sources at Rantrix Technologies reported Tuesday that their two-day corporate retreat had succeeded in teaching them how to better dick around as team. “It was really great to put aside our normal routine, take a step back, and focus on a…
A Gallup poll has found that while Americans under 30 are more liberal on a variety of other issues, they are only 1 percent more likely to approve gun control than their elders. What do you think?
When I was first elected to represent the people of Delaware, I made a vow to hold myself to a higher standard. The voters had placed their trust in me, and I knew if I broke that sacred covenant, I’d never forgive myself. Which is why, 35 years later, when someone tries to sway my position on an issue by offering me…
NEW YORK—Considering and rejecting names at a rapid clip, local woman Michelle Alghabra mentally rifled through over a dozen friends Tuesday in search of the perfect person to sympathize with her latest petty conundrum. “Alison is usually my go-to for a sympathetic ear, but she might not see this as that big of a deal…
Free speech has become an increasingly contentious issue on college campuses as students, faculty, and the national media debate whether schools should impose restrictions on things like protests, guest speakers, and course material. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of free speech on college campuses.
SPRINGFIELD, IL—Feeling anxious about broaching the subject with her strict, conservative family, local teenager Brynna Kessell confirmed Tuesday that she was unsure how to break it to her parents that the devil had recently gotten her pregnant. “When they find out that I’ve been carrying Satan’s spawn, they’re…
A report released by the Economic Policy Institute found that African Americans have experienced no net gains in homeownership, incarceration, or employment rates in the past 50 years. What do you think?
By studying a range of individuals with persistent cabbage-scented breath, scientists have isolated a gene called SELENBP1 that generates sulphur-containing molecules and results in bad breath. What do you think?
PHOENIX—Saying this time of year always dredges up memories of that fateful night, local man Alan Dahlgren admitted Wednesday he becomes emotional on the anniversary of his father’s passing, a death he personally orchestrated.
WASHINGTON—Chastising the assembled reporters for failing to cover the story, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders repeatedly insisted Wednesday that President Trump’s footprints created the Great Lakes. “In its relentless effort to undermine this administration, the media has completely ignored the fact that Lake…
WASHINGTON—After yesterday’s announcement that the president received a perfect score on his cognitive assessment, White House physician Ronny L. Jackson told reporters Wednesday that follow-up tests confirmed that President Trump’s 19 other personalities are also perfectly healthy. “After an extensive psychological…
Stoking fears of a potential cryptocurrency bubble, bitcoin has fallen in value below $10,000, bringing it to its lowest level since mid-December. What do you think?
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Saying the likelihood of such a phenomenon occurring was near impossible, leading probability researchers told reporters Wednesday that they were confounded by reports that three coworkers at a Nashville-area office were wearing the same shirt color on the same day. “The entire statistics community is…
HAWTHORNE, CA—Saying he now knows firsthand what painful consequences await such reckless behavior, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk held a press conference Thursday to warn the public about the dangers of artificial intelligence after having his heart broken by a beautiful robotrix. “You may be tempted, as I was, to open…
Pharmaceutical giant CVS has announced plans to eliminate all touch-ups of models for their cosmetic, skincare, and hair products by 2020. What do you think?
LOS ANGELES—Explaining that it would be a landmark moment in her career, local aspiring actor Janine Caballero told reporters Thursday that she dreams of one day publicly voicing regret for working with Woody Allen. “Ever since I started acting, my wish has always been to land a role in a film directed by Woody Allen…
BOSTON—Stressing the importance of taking the necessary precautions ahead of the procedure, ophthalmologist Brett Patel reportedly instructed his patient Alice Wahlberg Thursday not to look at anything 24 hours before her upcoming eye surgery. “In order to ensure optimal operating conditions, it’s very important to…
In a milestone toward thawing relations between the nations, North and South Korea will march under one flag and field a unified ice hockey team in the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics. What do you think?
MODESTO, CA—Frustrated with the nonstop unwanted intrusions, local man Russell Goldin wished Thursday that the women in crowded O’Donnell’s Pub would let him read his Jane Austen novel in peace. “Jesus, will all these women just go away and let me enjoy Pride And Prejudice without being constantly interrupted,” said…
ST. MUCUS—Expressing concern that the team might choose to relocate if a deal were not struck by the end of the offseason, Mutant Hockey League officials were reportedly pessimistic Friday that the owners of the St. Mucus Ooze would reach an agreement with the city to publicly finance a new arena.
AMARILLO, TX—The sufficiency of its funds mysteriously defying any rational explanation, a miracle paycheck received a week ago by local woman Jennifer Callahan, 27, somehow lasted seven whole days, according to sources. “It was just one check, but every day when I went to look, there was still some money left,” a…
LONDON—In a discovery that sheds new light on the civilization’s cultural practices, researchers at University College London presented evidence Monday that suggests ancient Egyptians never went to see the pyramids unless they had guests in from out of town. “Recently unearthed papyrus rolls dating from 2400 B.C.…
CINCINNATI—Reacting immediately to the sudden noise, surprised local woman Fran Copeland confirmed Monday that whoa, her vacuum cleaner just got ahold of something really big underneath the couch. “Oh, man, whatever just got sucked up into there must have been huge,” said the visibly startled 28-year-old, explaining…
CHICAGO—A groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found that goosebumps appear on the skin when a mentally unhinged weirdo is, at that very same moment, masturbating to an old photograph of you. “After poring over the evidence, we’ve discovered that the…
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ensure the federal benefit program is not taken advantage of, a new regulation announced Tuesday will require all organisms facing extinction to actively search for a new habitat in order to receive funding for their protection under the Endangered Species Act. “Effective immediately,…
In the Peppers’ 35 years of existence, we’ve gone through a lot of changes: guitarists, hairstyles, producers, record labels—the list goes on. What can I say? It’s been a hell of a ride, but here it is, 2018, and we’re still bringing you the funk. Through the years, we’ve never for a moment forgotten all the times we…
In a year where the news media fell under escalating criticism for fabrication, The Onion’s unparalleled reportage and sterling journalism revealed the core truth of 2017: That every other news organization is, indeed, lying to you. They are lying to you and, moreover, they believe you are the sort of gullible fool…
BROOKLYN, NY—Wearing a brand-new dress while carefully applying her makeup for the evening, local single woman Kelly Duval was reportedly getting all dolled up Sunday to watch a room full of people make out this New Year’s Eve. According to sources, Duval was going to great lengths to create big, bouncy curls in her…
WASHINGTON—Fooling themselves into believing things were going to be turning around, delusional sources reported Friday that 2018 will be the year it’s all going to fall into place. “No ifs, ands, or buts about it, everything is finally going to come together in 2018,” said Liam Thomas of Margate, FL, echoing the…
GREENVILLE, NC—Noting that the celestial body’s return to this position in space demanded more personal accountability, sources confirmed Monday that the Earth’s successful completion of an orbit around the sun inspired local woman Vivian Turner to reflect on her eating habits. “Now that the planet I live on has…
WALTHAM, MA—Signaling a major shift in demographic preferences, a study published Wednesday by Brandeis University found that fewer millennials want to live. “In contrast to previous generations that regarded living as a core part of their identity, millennials as a whole seem indifferent or even highly resistant to…
Walt Disney World has reopened its popular Hall of Presidents attraction with a robotic Donald Trump, who recites a special speech recorded by the 45th president himself. What do you think?
SANTA CLARITA, CA—Intently scanning the aisles for something that might convince the children they were okay guys after all, every customer at Dick’s Sporting Goods on Thursday was reportedly looking for something to get on his stepson’s good side. “Let’s see, Brandon’s got a Dodgers poster in his room so maybe a…
In spite of a year marred with scandal, Fox News has received top ratings for a news network in both overall viewership and the coveted 25-54 demographic. What do you think?
LAS CRUCES, NM—Snarling as she charged forward, crazed, froth-mouthed local mother Donna Gibson demanded grandchildren right now, sources reported Thursday. “I want precious grandbabies now! Now! Now! Now!” shrieked a wild-eyed Gibson into the face of her son and daughter-in-law as she lifted them up by their collars…
VALDOSTA, GA—Growing increasingly frustrated as he watched the clips on his laptop, local man Terry Waskin on Thursday was reportedly wondering when the Ocean’s 8 trailer was going to show the film’s protagonist. “So far I see Sandra Bullock and the woman from Lord of the Rings, but who plays the main character?” said…
WASHINGTON—Saying the current disapproval would soon give way to support, House Speaker Paul Ryan was confident Thursday that the American people will warm up to the new tax plan once they realize life is a cruel and meaningless farce. “Although it may not be very popular now, I’m certain that Americans will come…
I’ve had it up to here with people trying to censor our nation’s most sacred traditions. In the name of so-called “inclusivity,” they go tearing up what remains of our Christian roots, making regular, everyday Americans like me feel like outcasts. It’s time for this sacrilege in our public lives to stop. Lately, it’s…
In a breakthrough in biomedicine, the FDA has approved a gene therapy for inherited blindness. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Citing the limited household budgets of many young married couples, a new report published Friday estimates that more Americans than ever this Christmas will be forced to sell a gold watch inherited from their father in order to buy a set of fine combs for their wife’s beautiful hair. “Wages have remained…
According to a list compiled from leaked user data, this year’s most popular passwords include several perennial favorites such as “football,” as well as new passwords such as “starwars” and “iloveyou”. What do you think?
HAVERHILL, MA—Doing his best to mask his disappointment that the package didn’t contain the cable-knit cashmere sweater he’d had his heart set on, local child Max Campbell reportedly spared his uncle’s feelings Friday by pretending to like the Xbox One X he received as a gift. “Thanks, Uncle Joe, I’ll definitely get a…
NORWICH, CT—Saying he might very well be the one, area woman Bethany Han told reporters Friday that she could imagine spending her whole life in uncomfortable silence with the man she was currently on a first date with. “I know we just met, but there’s something about Bill that makes me feel like I could awkwardly sit…
Twitter began banning violent or abusive user accounts this week, including several notable white supremacists and leaders of the far-right. What do you think?
Former Facebook VP Chamath Palihapitiya revealed this week that he felt “tremendous guilt” for helping to build the website and believed it was tearing apart society through misinformation and “exploiting vulnerabilities in human psychology.” What do you think?
BOSTON—Expressing frustration at the science fiction franchise’s repeated failure to deliver on their expectations, die-hard fans of Star Wars character Nien Nunb were once again disappointed by new film The Last Jedi, sources confirmed Thursday. “Christ, I came into Episode VIII thinking they’d at least delve deeper…
SEATTLE—Recognizing his professionalism and the extra effort he brings each and every day, Amazon announced Thursday that CEO Jeff Bezos was its latest Employee of the Month. “There are a lot of hardworking and talented folks who help make Amazon the success that it is, and Jeff is the perfect example of that,” said…
MAKALU, NEPAL—After uncovering four corpses buried in snow along an icy mountain ridge, members of an Estée Lauder expedition said Thursday they had found the remains of a party lost decades ago while searching for a unique moisturizing herb thought to grow deep in the Himalayas.
BURBANK, CA—Revealing that it was the provision that essentially sealed the multi-billion dollar deal, sources reported Thursday that Disney Company CEO Bob Iger offered Rupert Murdoch one night with Mickey Mouse in exchange for 21st Century Fox. “To help sweeten our $52.4 billion proposal, we offered Mr. Murdoch…
THE HEAVENS—Saying He had been meaning to get some fresh ink for a while now, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly got a Celtic cross tattooed on His back, celestial sources said Thursday. “This design carries a lot of meaning for me, and I’m really glad I could get my upper back tattooed with it,” said the…
White House aide and former “The Apprentice” contestant Omarosa Manigault Newman will leave the White House effective Jan. 20, 2018. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Instructing him to hold still while he connected the various wires, sources confirmed Thursday that Eric Trump hooked his older brother Donald Jr. up to an Xbox, iPad, and Roomba in order to practice passing a polygraph test. “We gotta do this a bunch of times because the machine can use your heartbeats to…
Scientists in New Zealand have uncovered the fossils of a 5-foot-9-inch-tall, 223-pound penguin, which they speculate lived on Earth shortly after the age of the dinosaurs. What do you think?
NEW YORK—After a fourth woman stepped forward alleging that the journalist had engaged her in a respectful and entirely aboveboard romantic encounter, CNN announced Thursday that it would be launching a full investigation into reports of Wolf Blitzer’s highly proper sexual conduct. “I assure you that we are taking…
WASHINGTON—The film’s official release having finally arrived, millions of Americans across the nation dutifully got in their cars Friday, stood in line, and watched the new Star Wars movie, The Last Jedi. “The latest installment in the Star Wars franchise is now in theaters, which is why I went to my local cinema,…
CAMBRIDGE, MA— Expressing continued bafflement at the practical knowledge and proficiency required to construct the massive structure, leading historians announced Friday that they remained unsure how Americans managed to build the Hoover Dam. “Decades into researching this tremendous feat of engineering, the question…
SANTA CLARA, CA—Declaring that addressing the issue was a fundamental part of the new company’s mission, Silicon Valley startup DataKore said Friday that it was determined to change the way women flee the tech industry. “We’re absolutely committed to giving women all the resources and opportunities they need to leave…
CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—Contradicting previous theories as to the purpose of the iconic monument, historians at the University of Cambridge suggested on Friday that Stonehenge was once a prominent Druid make-out spot. “While excavating in and around the site, we found a surprising number of Bronze-age belt buckles, pipes,…
SETI scientists are looking for signs of alien technology on a mysterious object that they believe came from beyond our solar system—the first of its kind to be observed—which has baffled researchers with its probe-like cylindrical shape and lack of any comet-like tail. What do you think?
COLUMBUS, OH—Admitting guilt for infractions that sound like the types of obscure recruiting rules the school would break, Ohio State’s athletic director self-reported to the NCAA several secondary violations he just assumed were currently happening. “I don’t have concrete evidence that these things are going on, but…
THE HEAVENS—Expressing disbelief of the fuss being made over the Middle Eastern city, our Lord and King of the Heavens, God, reportedly revealed Thursday that Jerusalem was actually only the 87th holiest site on Earth. “It’s not like Jerusalem isn’t sacred, but it’s way less holy than places like Lima, Peru or Cedar…
AUSTIN, TX—In an investigation of the phenomenon’s tendency to occur during barroom brawls, a report published Thursday concluded that 83 percent of cases in which a player piano spontaneously begins to play were on account of a couple local ruffians went and got themselves into a gunfight.
WASHINGTON—Saying he could no longer joke effectively in the Senate, Congressman Al Franken announced Thursday that he was resigning from office, telling colleagues, “I’m deeply sorry for my hilarious actions.” “The things I did, while extremely funny, were also inappropriate and I sincerely apologize for the pain…
BEL-AIR, CA—Saying the ornamentation was not in compliance with neighborhood guidelines, the Bel-Air Homeowners Association issued a fine Thursday to a resident with an unapproved wildfire in his front yard. “After receiving complaints from neighbors on both sides of the residence, we were left with no choice but to…
Time Magazine has recognized the women who came forward with sexual assault allegations as its 2017 Person of the Year, calling individuals such as Ashley Judd and Rose McGowan, “the voices that launched a movement.” What do you think?
A Dallas-area mother who was born without a uterus has given birth to a healthy baby boy following the first successful transplant of this type in U.S. history. What do you think?
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to stop the spread of the dangerous negativity as quickly as possible, agents from the Department of Labor’s Emergency Response Team on Friday reportedly sealed off the toxic workplace environment at tech incubator Molloy Capital. “We’ve begun the hazardous but absolutely necessary task of…
NEW YORK—In an effort to minimize the risk of traumatic brain injury, a new NFL safety rule going into effect Friday will require all players to be careful. “As part of the NFL’s ongoing effort to ensure players are as safe as possible, they will now all be obligated to watch it out there,” said NFL commissioner Roger…
SANTA MONICA, CA—Stressing that the deadline had absolutely no flexibility whatsoever, the Recording Academy reminded aging musicians on Friday to die before December 15 in order to be included in the 2017 Grammy tributes. “If you want your lifetime of contributions to American music recognized at the 2017 Grammy…
WASHINGTON—As part of their effort to rein in government spending through entitlement reform, GOP congressional leaders announced Friday that their new tax plan will require welfare recipients to apply for each individual piece of food they receive. “Mandating that all Americans on food stamps submit a separate…
NEW YORK—Saying it may account for the precipitous drop in the digital currency, financial experts on Friday told reporters that the recent plunge in bitcoin value could reveal vulnerabilities in crazy imaginary internet money. “This should serve as a clear indicator of how susceptible weird invisible money that only…
During a speech before Parliament, the Australian politician Tim Wilson proposed to his same-sex partner, a dramatic choice representing the near-certainty that marriage equality will soon be realized in the nation. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Growing increasingly worried as news reports indicated that he communicated with the whistleblower organization during his father’s presidential campaign, a panicked Donald Trump Jr. reportedly tried to cover up his contact with WikiLeaks Friday by frantically deleting the Mozilla Firefox icon from his…
VENTURA, CA—Calling it the most effective outerwear on the market for short-term exposure to the elements, outdoor clothing company Patagonia on Wednesday introduced its new high-performance jacket specially designed for walking between the front door and car. “With ultra-lightweight fabric and a center-front zipper…
SILVER SPRING, MD—Following months of research into the psychedelic compound’s effects, the Food and Drug Administration confirmed Thursday that psilocybin could significantly reduce the risk of mindlessly following society’s rules like a fucking lemming. “After numerous clinical trials, we can state with a high…
Thrift stores’ low prices and constantly changing merchandise make them an appealing alternative to regular retail shopping for those willing to hunt for a good find. Here is a side-by-side comparison of thrift shopping versus shopping at regular retail stores.
Thirteen-year-old Stranger Things actress Millie Bobbie Brown has been stranded at a resort in Bali for 10 days after a volcano eruption grounded flights for thousands of travelers. The star reassured fans on Instagram that she is safe during her stay. What do you think?
BROOKLYN, NY—Her combative reaction seeming to come out of nowhere, local woman Monica Respers on Wednesday was reportedly getting all defensive about her inherent worth and selfhood. “It’s like I can’t say a single cruel and demeaning thing without her getting touchy about her value as a human being,” said boyfriend…
This week marks 25 years since Prince Charles and Princess Diana announced their separation, but the royal family has been plagued by scandal for centuries. Here is a timeline of the biggest royal scandals throughout history.
CHICAGO—Startled at how their festering resentment all but vanished, local couple Steve Ewer and Heather Larson, who sources said were on the verge of breaking up Thursday, had a mind-blowing visit to Shedd Aquarium. “It’s seemed for a while now like any day we were going to reach our breaking point, but then we got…
WASHINGTON—Following backlash over the agency’s plan to scrap rules ensuring that service providers treat all internet data the same, FCC Chair Ajit Pai unveiled on Monday a premium comment line to fast-track net neutrality complaints, which may be purchased for $49.99 per month. “We hear everyone’s concerns loud and…
CVS Pharmacy has agreed to purchase healthcare giant Aetna for $69 billion, a deal that experts say could transform the healthcare industry by offering inexpensive clinic-based care, but may limit consumer choices. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Saying even 10 minutes of evening exposure can lead to a night of low-quality sleep, the National Sleep Foundation recommended on Tuesday cutting down on strobe lights before bedtime. “Strobe light actually has a pronounced stimulating effect on the brain, so when winding down for the night, it’s best to…
WASHINGTON—Commemorating what is widely considered to be the greatest achievement of space exploration, NASA on Tuesday celebrated the 60th anniversary of the launching of the first moon to orbit Earth. “We may not consider the idea of a moon that orbits Earth to be that big of a deal today, but if you mentioned it…
After starting a media firestorm with several controversial statements on sexual harassment, former Smiths frontman Morrissey has announced that he will no longer give print interviews. What do you think?
CLEVELAND—Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam urged unhappy fans Tuesday to continue to support the team through at least the end of the season. “I know this has been unenjoyable, but back in the summer you guys made a commitment,” said Haslam, adding that if Browns fans really wanted to give up after the season was…
Sweetie, I hate to butt in, but I saw you trying to customize your bear and thought you could use a hand from someone who knows his way around the ‘ol Workshop. So what do you say, little lady? How about you scoot on over and let me take a quick peek under the hood?
MONTGOMERY, AL—Saying that the state had no choice but to take them at their word, Alabama officials on Tuesday announced that thousands of sex offenders would be released after the inmates firmly denied the charges. “If they said they didn’t do it, then what choice do we have but to let them go?” said Alabama…
WASHINGTON—Appearing to have become unhinged during recent questioning, White House Senior Advisor Jared Kushner reportedly whispered Tuesday, “I’ll have to obstruct one last thing,” before wrapping his gloved hands around special counsel Robert Mueller’s neck. “You want to talk about my security clearance? This is my…
WASHINGTON—Recognizing that he’s a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to walk the face of the earth yet was still on the right side of party lines, the Republican National Committee released their new “He’s A Scumbag, But He’s Our Scumbag” ad Tuesday to endorse Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore. “He’s a horrendous…
The Supreme Court will hear arguments Tuesday from the owner of Masterpiece Cakeshop, the Colorado bakery who refused to bake a wedding cake for a gay couple. The case will determine whether this represented discrimination or an infringement of First Amendment rights. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Saying she had never felt more complete and was “so grateful to be home,” Kevin Can Wait actress Leah Remini told reporters Thursday that she has rediscovered her faith in Scientology after going through a difficult point in her life. “I was really lost for the last few years, and it wasn’t until recently…
Over 100 reindeer have been killed in Norway in just three days after freight trains repeatedly collided with the animals, part of a pattern that has led to over 250 reindeer deaths in the past year. What do you think?
WASHINGTON— Saying that they were unable to explain the mysterious error, officials confirmed Friday that a glitch in the country was allowing U.S. citizens to temporarily walk through tables. “As many of you may have already noticed, due to a malfunction in the nation earlier today, citizens were momentarily able…
After being challenged to build it within 100 days by the local government, Elon Musk announced Monday that Tesla has constructed the world’s largest lithium ion battery in South Australia, a move officials hope will help with frequent power outages and energy shortages. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Saying that its presence had been a valuable source of comfort at a difficult time, President Trump reportedly told the White House cockroach infestation on Friday that it alone truly understood him. “Things are so tough right now, and it’s nice to know someone out there has so much in common with me,…
Grindr, a popular dating and hook-up service geared toward gay and bisexual men, has updated its app to allow users to select a variety of new gender identities, including women, non-binary, and queer. What do you think?
LANCASTER, PA—Saying it was a struggle to keep them open at all amidst all the tedium, local man Eric Meehan told reporters Thursday that his eyes always glaze over whenever a politician starts threatening to plunge him into serf-like subjugation. “God, every time they start talking about this boring stuff, I just…
LOS ANGELES—Blasting the publication for its gentle treatment of the divisive figure, far-right news outlet Breitbart was criticized Thursday for publishing a humanizing profile of a libtard beta-cuck. “It’s absolutely absurd that Breitbart of all places would think it was okay to portray this low-T liberal shill as a…
WASHINGTON—Smiling as she found just the right spot for the decoration, Melania Trump hung a decayed badger carcass over the White House mantel Thursday in keeping with the traditions of Slovenian Christmas. “Ah, it finally feels like the holidays,” said the First Lady, adding that the animal’s decomposing remains…
Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige confirmed in an interview this week that the next film in the Avengers series will conclude the current era in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and may serve as the final appearance for many of the film’s stars. What do you think?
BOSTON, MA—Witnesses to Gordon Hayward’s gruesome injury are slowly continuing their long road to recovery, sources confirmed Tuesday. “After seeing an injury like that, we thought a lot of these people would never be able to watch basketball again,” said sports therapist Richard O’Malley, citing the severe damage to…
When Donald Trump asked me to be his secretary of state, I was honored to be given such an extraordinary opportunity to serve my country. I was confident I could transition from my job as the CEO of ExxonMobil to become America’s chief diplomat. But after 10 months in my new role, I’m beginning to think that maybe…
WASHINGTON—Amid mounting sexual misconduct allegations against the Minnesota senator, Al Franken tearfully announced to reporters Tuesday his intention to step down from his role as a harasser of women. “I’ve discussed it with my family and, sadly, I’ve come to the conclusion that the best course of action is for me…
In the troubled, politically charged times in which our country finds itself, The Onion takes great pride in being the sole beacon of truth and integrity in journalism. No matter how explosive the revelations brought to light by our sources, no matter how their publication may upset the established order, this storied…
WASHINGTON—In an effort to motivate Americans into giving more generously, a new GOP plan unveiled Tuesday would offer generous tax breaks on all contributions tucked into congressmen’s suit breast pockets. “Under this new proposal, Americans would be afforded the ability to write off any donation that is coolly…
The engagement of Prince Harry to Meghan Markle, his longtime American girlfriend, was announced Monday. What do you think?
According to movie review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes, the Greta Gerwig-directed film Lady Bird is now the highest-reviewed film in the website’s history, with a 100 percent rating averaged from 165 reviews. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—After solemnly chanting the Latin funereal hymn “Dies Irae” in unison, hooded members of Congress on Wednesday reportedly drowned another love child in the Potomac River to prevent an affair from getting out. “So that this bastard child is never again blessed with the light of another morning, we now commit…
With so much of the holiday season revolving around gift-giving, this time of year can be difficult if you’re trying to save money. Here are some tips for holiday shopping when you’re on a budget.
BROOKLYN, NY—In the wake of a sexual misconduct allegation that led to the firing of the longtime Today cohost, local woman Meredith Duncan on Wednesday was reportedly quietly satisfied to have concrete evidence backing up her years-long hatred of Matt Lauer. “I’ve despised that man for going on two decades, and now I…
BANGOR, ME—Admitting their investigation was at a standstill, local law enforcement officials told reporters Wednesday they had enlisted the help of bestselling author Stephen King to track down a demonic automobile accused of killing an area woman.
LONDON—Pushed out of power as the damning charges mounted, Alex DeLarge was forced to step down Wednesday as leader of the Droogs amidst allegations of sexual misconduct. “In an unfortunate development, we have been forced to remove Mr. DeLarge from his post due to the startling accusations of sexual impropriety that…
Austrian designer Klemens Schillinger is selling a “substitute phone,” a black functionless slab embedded with small beads that users can swipe in place of their actual phone, with the hopes of breaking smartphone addiction. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Saying that the mission had met all its objectives, the U.S. military announced Tuesday that it had launched a successful airstrike that had killed 30 Iraqis who may as well have been terrorists. “I am pleased to confirm that at 1400 hours yesterday afternoon, U.S. forces carried out an air raid on a site…
STANFORD, CA—Saying their findings confirmed a long-suspected absence of goddamn willpower in our species, researchers at Stanford University said Tuesday that the reason humans crave sweet foods is simply because they’re weak—they’re weak, and they’re small. “Our study suggests that the average person’s desire for…
According to new guidelines defining a healthy measurement as below 120/80, 46 percent of Americans have high blood pressure, putting them at increased risk of heart attacks and strokes. What do you think?
POCATELLO, ID—According to reports Tuesday from sources who said you’d get used to it eventually, that whole side of the family is just like that. “Oh, yeah, they’re all like that. Always have been,” said area father Bruce Mayer, noting that every one of them, from the oldest on down, was just a little off. “I mean,…
OKLAHOMA CITY—Saying they were caught completely off guard by his sudden act of assertiveness, onlookers at a Duncan High School varsity football practice reported Wednesday that second-year assistant coach Bill Vining had finally worked up the courage to blow his whistle. “Everyone just froze and we thought we were…
Palm Beach residents are bracing for President Trump’s arrival Thanksgiving week, a move that will cause road closures and an estimated $350,000 loss in local business. What do you think?
NEW YORK—Refusing to back down from the subject during their often contentious exchange, talk show host Charlie Rose reportedly pressed himself about the recent sexual harassment allegations against him in a tense Charlie Rose interview on Tuesday. “Eight women who either worked with you or aspired to work with you…
WASHINGTON—Feeling devastated by the thought that he could no longer provide assistance to millions of disadvantaged Americans, a tearful President Trump reportedly put down his ladle Tuesday and walked out of a soup kitchen after learning that the Donald J. Trump Foundation was shutting down. “There was so much I…
BOSTON—In what seems to suggest acute homesickness among the colonists, historians at Boston University said on Wednesday that newly uncovered documents indicate that most pilgrims sailed back to Europe in the fall of 1623 to celebrate the first Thanksgiving at home. “What we see from personal diaries and ships’ logs…
Researchers at the Cedars-Sinai Heart Institute found that people with heart conditions have cardiac arrests during sex in less than 1 percent of cases, saying they hoped the findings help remove an anxiety for couples. What do you think?
The Reverend William Bradford rushes for 147 yards and a touchdown as the Pilgrims defeat the Native Americans
You don’t need to stand in line at the crack of dawn or risk being trampled to death to score the best Black Friday deals; they’re all available online, and we’re collecting the best ones right here.
LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes she’s in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for. “Now, let’s all go around the table and say at…
According to Nielsen holiday sales data, Americans spent $81,483,780 on pie during Thanksgiving week in 2015—far exceeding pies purchases in other weeks that year—a trend they link to Americans eating multiple Thanksgiving meals in that span. What do you think?
DAMASCUS—Saying they couldn’t imagine how any ancient people could put up with a place like this, a team of archaeologists announced Tuesday that they had unearthed the earliest known shithole located super far from everywhere. “From the pathetic ruins that we’ve uncovered thus far, this dump dates back to…
Volunteer at the local park district. Planting a single tree can remove up to 30 Frisbees per year from the atmosphere.
WASHINGTON—Saying it was a simple but effective measure to reduce potentially deadly incidents, a study published Monday by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration found that 90 percent of bike accidents could be prevented by buying a car like a normal person. “Our data confirm that the vast majority of…
MONTGOMERY, AL—Waving off the current allegations against him as vicious attempts to sabotage his election bid, Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore told reporters Monday that the women accusing him of pedophilia were only doing so now because “shifting sociocultural norms have created an environment in which assault…
After a New York Times article accused Louis C.K. of multiple instances of sexual harassment, which C.K. later confirmed, several networks and studios have canceled projects with the comedian. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Both shouting “FBI, you’re under arrest!” as they grabbed hidden pistols from behind the refrigerator and the back of the pantry, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump were reportedly holding each other at gunpoint in their kitchen Monday after simultaneously revealing their undercover identities. “I’m afraid …
The Department of Justice has reportedly demanded Time-Warner sell off CNN before merging with AT&T, a move some have attributed to President Trump’s anger at the news network. What do you think?
We often tell our young people that if they want to succeed, college is essential. The only way to move up in the world, we say, is to take out thousands of dollars in loans and earn a degree. But the truth is, there are many paths to success, and they don’t all involve higher education. Take my own case, for example.…
MARIETTA, GA—Infusing his muscles with sudden and desperately needed power, the adrenaline supply of local man Simon McManus intended for lifting a car off a loved one was called upon Tuesday to carry four grocery bags at once. According to sources, McManus’s adrenal gland flooded his system with the stress-triggered…
Zara workers in Turkey tagged clothes they were making with messages claiming they had not been paid in months, in the latest controversy for a brand notorious for its labor practices. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Knowing that the commander-in-chief will be able to tell if there’s even a single thing in place, sources confirmed Tuesday that aides were frantically trying to restore chaos to the White House before President Trump returned from his 12-day diplomatic trip through Asia. “We have to make sure that…
Disney has announced plans for a new trilogy of Star Wars films to come out next decade, as well as a live-action series in the near future. What do you think?
SACRAMENTO, CA—Freezing in a moment of complete panic after receiving an inbounds pass during a game against the Sacramento Kings, Oklahoma City Thunder shooting guard Russell Westbrook told reporters Tuesday night that he briefly forgot how to dribble after thinking about it too hard. “I just really got in my own…
WASHINGTON—Dropping to its lowest position in thousands of millennia, the everlasting paradise of Heaven reportedly slid to sixth place in the 2017 Annual Quality of Afterlife Rankings released Tuesday. “For a long time, Heaven easily topped the list of places for souls to settle down after death, but it’s been…
AKRON, OH—Refusing to put up with it for another second, the nation’s parents announced Tuesday that they have zero fucking patience for this bullshit. “We stand here today because we are about this fucking close to losing it and can’t deal with this shit right now,” said 47-year-old Lisa Burgess on behalf of the…
According to an annual World Economic Forum report, the extent by which women lag behind men in opportunities worsened for the first time ever in 2017. What do you think?
OAKLAND, CA—Calmly reiterating to the incredulous Oakland Raiders running back that they were looking out for his best interests, doctors warned Marshawn Lynch Wednesday that the next time he goes into Beast Mode could kill him. “Marshawn, I know you’ve gone through most of your Beast Modes without incident, but now…
The effects of Donald Trump winning the 2016 presidential election have been far-reaching and dramatic. On the one-year anniversary of the election, The Onion looks back at how the world has changed.
NEW YORK—Saying that even the most upbeat tunes could bring one down under the right conditions, newly single sources told reporters Monday that any song can be sad if it has sad memories attached to it. “Sometimes the songs that used to make you the happiest are now the songs that hurt most, you know?” said a teary…
WINSTON-SALEM, NC—Saying they deeply regretted their role in his unsightly appearance, clothing manufacturer Hanes apologized and pulled all their T-shirts from shelves Wednesday after seeing how local man Brian Armstrong looked in them. “All of us at Hanes are truly sorry these tagless cotton tees were allowed to go…
Journalist and heavy metal vocalist Danica Roem became Virginia’s first openly transgender legislator Tuesday by defeating Republican incumbent Robert Marshall. What do you think?
THE VATICAN—Centuries after they evaded conscription for military campaigns to the Holy Land, Pope Francis officially pardoned all Christians who dodged the draft during the Crusades, sources reported Monday. “Although we certainly don’t endorse their actions, enough time has passed that these men should be granted…
Using advanced radiography, scientists have located a previously undiscovered void in the upper reaches of Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Khufu. What do you think?
BALTIMORE—Running counter to the generally accepted theory that the organ is merely vestigial, doctors at Johns Hopkins University said Wednesday that the purpose of the appendix is actually to contain the human soul. “After decades of presuming that it no longer had any real function, we were shocked to discover that…
BOSTON—Dispelling the widely held notion that musical work of such a high caliber is uncommon, an analysis by Boston University music historians published Thursday found that albums as good as Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band are actually released about once a month. “Although the iconic Beatles record has…
WASHINGTON—Saying the financial risks and hours of hard work would pay off in the long term, former president Barack Obama revealed Thursday that he has sunk his entire life’s savings into the development of a tabletop game based on the American presidency.
ST. LOUIS—Offering more affordable fare for the animals rotting away in cages, Purina on Monday debuted new Slovenly Feast for nasty-ass shelter cats. “With the flavors these scraggly, half-dead felines have come to expect, Slovenly Feast is the perfect meal for shelter cats,” said spokesperson Linda Brashear, adding…
LONDON—Responding to multiple allegations of sexual misconduct, actor Kevin Spacey announced Thursday that he will immediately be seeking treatment for homosexuality. “In light of my prior actions, I am committed to getting the help I need to make sure that I’ll never be gay again,” said Spacey, adding that he was…
WASHINGTON—Swerving hard as it sped away down Pennsylvania Avenue, President Trump’s limousine reportedly gunned it around a corner and through the streets of the nation’s capital Thursday in a frantic attempt to throw special counsel Robert Mueller from its roof.
NEW YORK—In a move that many observers say underscores her commitment to the part, Beyoncé reportedly began a painful surgical transformation Thursday in preparation for her role as the lioness Nala in the live-action remake of The Lion King. “It will take many intensive and frankly excruciating procedures before she…
Executives from Facebook, Twitter, and Google appeared before Congress this week to address their sites’ roles in facilitating Russian interference in the 2016 election. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Saying that the new organization would be aimed at upholding the political party’s standard of conduct and ideals, the Democratic National Committee unveiled Thursday the Clinton Institute For Campaign Ethics Reform in response to recent allegations of election rigging during the 2016 primary. “The DNC is…
In a controversial move, one United Kingdom county is restricting non-emergency surgeries for obese people and smokers until they improve their overall health. What do you think?
HILLSBORO, TX—Stopping mid-click and forcing himself to finish the entry for Motown, local man Keith Hayes resolved on Friday to get through the six Wikipedia tabs he already had open in his browser before starting any new ones. “No, no, no. I can’t just keep firing up new tabs whenever something in the text seems…
WASHINGTON—Stating that the new system is pursuant with the regulations laid out by the Affordable Care Act, the White House announced Friday that the government’s health insurance exchanges would now only be accessible from a single kiosk in a remote Iowa cornfield. “All Americans wishing to sign up for health…
WASHINGTON—Announcing their findings amongst a series of whimpers and yelps, pet researchers confirmed Friday that 100 percent of owners who leave for work are never coming back. “Our data show conclusively that every human who says they’re going to work is, in fact, gone forever the very moment they shut the door…
In what many are calling his most crucial international trip yet, Trump embarks today on an 11-day trip that will see him meeting with leaders in Korea, China, Vietnam, the Philippines, and Japan. Here is the schedule of events:
‘Let’s Pick Out A Couple, Buddy,’ Says Kelly
News sites Gothamist and DNAinfo were abruptly shut down by billionaire owner Joe Ricketts this week, shortly after their New York staffs voted to unionize. What do you think?
SUTHERLAND SPRINGS, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed 27 individuals and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre…
HOUSTON—The Houston populace admitted to reporters Tuesday night that the Astros’ World Series victory will not heal the hurricane-ravaged city quite as much as a Super Bowl win would. “This will do a lot for us, but to be perfectly honest, it’s not going to usher in the same kind of renewed hope and pride we’d get…
WASHINGTON—In an effort to destroy as much incriminating evidence as possible following the indictments of Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, White House staffers reportedly spent Tuesday frantically shredding Trump campaign aides. “We should have done this months ago; we need to shred as many of these campaign aides as we…
Stanford researchers found that people who smoke marijuana have sex more often than those who don’t, although the study didn’t a establish a cause for this trend. What do you think?
Decluttering and getting organized can be one of the most beneficial things for productivity, and it can also give you more peace of mind. Here are some tips for getting and staying organized.
CHICAGO—Saying the desserts had begun to seem increasingly ominous, coworkers of Angela Shankman told reporters Thursday that their initial excitement had shifted to concern after their colleague brought baked goods into the office for the fourth consecutive day. “Don’t get me wrong, I love coming to work to find…
NEW YORK—Having put in 46 hours of hard work as sturdy packing material, a local block of Styrofoam is about to spend the next 500 years reflecting on how well it protected a blender in transport, sources said Wednesday. “Hey, you know what, I did a pretty good job shielding that Vitamix during that three-day trip,”…
Scientists warn that climate change could devastate coffee crops worldwide, due to the extremely specific conditions required for the plants to thrive. What do you think?
PHILADELPHIA—Craning for a suitable vantage point from which to observe their subject’s movements, local car passengers launched an urgent, mid-street investigation Wednesday into whether a woman in the parking spot they wanted was coming or going. “Her lights are on, but do you see which direction her car is moving?”…
SAN DIEGO—Calling the naiveté of the human resources coordinator “absolutely priceless,” office bad boy Ryan Millstein on Wednesday reportedly saw right through a series of team-building exercises. “They honestly believe I’ll learn to rely on my peers more after a few trust falls—that is so goddamn rich,” said the…
WASHINGTON—Armed with all the special tools they’d need for the mission, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on Wednesday were reportedly attempting to build a tunnel from the White House South Lawn to FBI Headquarters in order to free Paul Manafort from custody. “We’re gonna sneak into the jail from below, rescue him,…
CHICAGO—In light of recent developments, The Onion has made the difficult decision to halt production on an upcoming 15-second web video starring Kevin Spacey. The video, which would have featured Mr. Spacey speaking in front of stock footage of Chicago’s busy streets, was set to premiere in mid-2018 as an autoplaying…
CHICAGO—In light of recent developments, The Onion has made the difficult decision to halt production on an upcoming travel tips video that would have been narrated by Jeremy Piven. The 45-second video would have featured Mr. Piven’s pre-recorded voice placed over still images of vacation spots as well as text bullet…
CHICAGO—In light of recent developments, The Onion has made the difficult decision to halt production on an upcoming infographic video directed by Brett Ratner. The 30-second video, entitled “5 Things To Know About The 2017-2018 NBA Season,” would have featured several stock images paired with interesting facts about…
With multiple victims coming forward to accuse star Kevin Spacey of sexual assault, Netflix has indefinitely suspended production on ‘House of Cards.’ What do you think?
TUCSON, AZ—Saying that a tectonic shift in the landmasses’ relationship was the likeliest source, geologists at the University of Arizona told reporters Monday that the continents may have drifted apart after an emotional falling-out. “It appears from the geologic record that the continents separated after an…
BROOKLINE, MA—Rushing into the home of the New England Patriots quarterback and snatching a protein powder shake out of his hand, embarrassed health guru Alex Guerrero reportedly informed Tom Brady Monday that he’s been mistakenly following a toxic diet regimen this whole time. “Oh my god, Tom, there’s been a…
The Saudi government has bestowed citizenship on a humanoid robot named Sophia, becoming the first country in the world with a robotic citizen. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—After issuing indictments against former Trump campaign associates Paul Manafort and Rick Gates on Monday, a teary-eyed Robert S. Mueller III reportedly whispered, “I’ll make those bastards pay,” into a locket containing a photo of James Comey. “I’ll never forget what those sons of bitches did to you,” said…
Many couples like to get creative on halloween and dress up as a famous duo. Here are this year’s most popular halloween costumes.
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Inadvertently observing the gruesome act through its near-infrared camera, the Hubble Space Telescope reportedly struggled to reach NASA on Tuesday after witnessing what appeared to be a murder on Jupiter’s largest moon, Ganymede. Frightened and unable to leave the confinement of its geostationary…
An autographed note by Albert Einstein extolling the virtues of a modest life, which Einstein gave to a hotel worker in lieu of a tip in 1922, has sold at auction for $1.56 million. What do you think?
After social media backlash, Kellogg’s apologized for Corn Pops box art that depicted an anthropomorphized brown corn pop as a janitor among a crowd of light-colored pops. What do you think?
BALTIMORE—In light of his recent comments praising Confederate general Robert E. Lee and attributing the origin of the Civil War to “a lack of an ability to compromise,” the NAACP announced Tuesday that White House Chief of Staff John Kelly would lose his seat on the organization’s board of directors. “Despite his…
DOVER, DE—Telling his only trick-or-treater to “hang tight a sec while Uncle Joe scares up some Halloween goodies,” former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly disappeared and returned 10 minutes later with a warm can of GT Cola, sources confirmed Friday. “Here ya go, bud. Thought I could hook you up with a spare ramen…
Experts believe a drawing of a nude model with similarities to Leonardo da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” may be a sketch done by da Vinci himself in preparation for the famous painting. What do you think?
BALTIMORE—Saying the simple practice was hugely beneficial for staving off aches and pains later in life, a report released Wednesday by Johns Hopkins University found that suddenly remembering to sit up straight once a month is the best way to keep a back healthy into old age. “Our research determined that the ideal…
WASHINGTON—Staring out at the thick, foreboding jungle, a covert military intelligence unit sailed their patrol boat up an overgrown, booby-trapped stretch of the Potomac River in search of a deranged Gen. John F. Kelly, sources confirmed Wednesday.
VATICAN CITY—After months of failed attempts to coax their sole mating pair into conceiving, officials from the Vatican City Zoo admitted Wednesday that they were unsure whether the facility would ever successfully breed an angel in captivity.
WASHINGTON—Stating conclusively that the meddling was “negligible at best,” TruthBeacon.org, an entirely new website created eight minutes ago, declared that Russian interference had no impact on the 2016 U.S. presidential election. “Experts have determined without a doubt that there is absolutely no truth to…
China is rolling out an app that ranks all 1.3 billion of the country’s citizens based on their finances, habits, and loyalty to the state, which will affect their ability to travel and apply for jobs. What do you think?
GAINESVILLE, VA—Cursing under her breath while examining the ultrasound image, area ob-gyn Dr. Geena McDyer was reportedly kind of annoyed Thursday that she had to confirm her patient’s premonition about the sex of her baby that came to her in a dream. “I don’t want to see her smug expression when I tell her she’s…
Scientists in Germany have detected a 75 percent decline in the population of flying insects over the last three decades, which they warn could be disastrous for ecosystems worldwide. What do you think?
Losing weight is a constant struggle for many Americans, but advancements in health research have made slimming down easier than ever. Here are some tips for losing weight.
SAN JUAN, PR—Saying that their fellow countrymen were probably deluged with coverage of their plight, residents of Puerto Rico who have been without power for the last month told reporters Thursday that they could only assume that this crisis had to be the nation’s leading news story. “I mean, I haven’t heard anything…
VATICAN CITY—Startled by how much His appearance had deteriorated since they’d last met, Pope Francis admitted to reporters on Thursday that God was really starting to look old. “Man, I guess I hadn’t noticed it until now, but these last few years have really taken a toll,” said the pontiff, adding that perhaps the…
LOS ANGELES—Lavishing praise on Nintendo for its fresh and inspired design, a reviewer declared Thursday that a new game in which Mario sometimes dresses as a chef is “simply bursting with creative wonder.” “Every moment of this delightful adventure is overflowing with wildly innovative ideas that take the franchise…
WASHINGTON—More than 50 years after the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, a Gallup poll published Thursday revealed that 68 percent of Americans now believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted like a total asshole. “Remarkably, our polling data reveal that more than two-thirds of U.S. citizens are now convinced that…
In a sign of continued struggles for brick-and-mortar retailers, 2017 has seen a record number of store closings, with more than 6,700 retail locations planned to close this year. What do you think?